Which old witch? The wicked witch!

Hey Ho, Blog readers,

Today i am in a very happy mood as my work place enemy Smelly pshcyo bitch work college from hell sits at the desk next to me, has finally been made redundant!

Is it a coincidence that i have been singing ding dong the witch is dead ever since? No, of course it isn't!

I like the munchkins before me, am going to celebrate this awesome event with songs and lollypops!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XOEq-ImGWJ0

crazy office girl - again !!!

You may remember that I work for a charity - and you may have heard that times are tough in the charity sector, as no one has any money. Well our charity decided to work around this problem by making a round of redundancies. Not to my role for I am far to excellent and vital to the organisation - but to Crazy Office Girl's department and happily to Crazy office gril herself - SCORE !!!

I was happy.

Then it was announced that we had found funding for a new project, this was good news. Then it was announced that they were giving the new project to Crazy office girl - this was bad news.

She is STILL sitting next to me. She is still mental.

On Wednesday my work friend was leaving for a better and more well paid job and I was feeling pretty down about it. I had volunteered help out at a work do in the evening and was hoping it would take my mind off my loss.

I have helped out with this annual event for the last 4 years in a row and at the end of last years event we had decided to do things slightly differently to make things run smoother. However the event organiser forgot all about the proposed changes and when she came over to brief Crazy Office girl (who had also volunteered) she started to give her the wrong information.

Naturally, I stepped in to remind the event organiser of the planned changes so that she could give the correct info to Crazy Office Girl. Who suddenly tuned into Psycho Bitch from Office Hell and went into one because I interrupted her conversation.

The whole office went quiet with bewilderment at her mental behaviour and I now have even more motivation to find myself a another (better) job.

crazy office girl-the update

I just foound out that they have decided not to move the desk of te crazy bitch who sits next to me, beacause:
A- we are superficialy getting on.
B- she's hardly ever in the office
C-shes now had a barney with the girl who sits next to the vacant seat they had planned to move her to.

After a slightly inebriated chat to a colegue in the pub, it was revealed that she's fallen out with every female in the office under 40.
She is a psycho.

cock

Today I was told off by my boss.

On friday I recived a rather funny email and without thinking I sent it to the entire office. Many people came up to me during the day to tell me how funny it was and I thought no more about it.

But alas, some-one decided that sending round a picture of David Cameron standing outside a branch of peacocks with the p, e, a & s of the sign out of view, wasn't a good idea.

We rely heavily on government funding and contracts here at the purple charity, and it wouldn't do to go upsetting any one at this delecate time.

I must admit though, that it was a relief to find out that implying that DC is a male chicken, was all that I was in trouble for. I have been doing rather a lot of slacking off lately and spent most of friday surfing the internet...

Victim or Perpetrator?

I have been accused of bullying a girl at work. Can you believe it? Me, a bully! It's ludicrous. Even my manager said so when the allegation was made 'you don't have a bulling bone in your body' were her exact words.

It first started when I got back from holiday after Christmas. My manager took me aside and told me that the girl at the desk next to me had made a complaint about me to the HR manager. 'She says you are disrespectful to her' etc.

I was shocked that she had made such a complaint. I mean there is no love lost between us that is for sure. I don't like her. She is stupid and annoying and has made some very condescending comments to me in the past. I don't enjoy her company and have declined invitations to after work drinks if I knew she was going to go. Not out of spitefulness but because I knew she would annoy me with her inanity and ruin my night and I didn't want to turn anyone else’s night sour with my foul mood.

We had to have a meeting with my line manager to 'discuss the situation'. She spouted the many perceived crimes against her and I managed to (mostly) diplomatically tell her she was full of shit and imagining things. I may have raised my voice ever so slightly (OK quite a lot) when she started telling me what I was thinking 'You think this, and you think that' are you a fucking mind reader then? And accused me of leading a gang of women who were purposely ignoring in an attempt to bully her!!! Beyond ludicrous - if people in the office are ignoring her it’s because she is an annoying twat. I have in fact been extremely professional and kept my dislike of her completely to myself. I have never mentioned my dislike of her to any of my colleagues, ever.

But, I managed to reign most of my anger in and actually kept my mouth shut through a lot of it, knowing that she wasn't actually listening to anything I was saying and that retorting would just wind her up even more and escalate the situation. And besides she really isn't worth the breath.

I must say though that my line manager’s mediation skills were first rate and that by the end of the meeting she had negotiated a 7 point plan to try and make the atmosphere in the office more tolerable.

7 points are as follows:

1. listen to each more apparently I don't listen to her.

2. make eye contact with each other when speaking apparently I don't make eye contact with her when she speaks to me - probably because the sight of her make me angry.

3. not interrupt each others conversations apparently I am always interrupting her conversitions - But I freely admit to this because as she obviously hasn't noticed I interrupt everyone’s conversations with my 2 pennies worth, I'm not singling her out!

4. say hello and goodbye to each other I don't say Hello or Goodbye to her because she is never here when I arrive and never here when I leave, I say a general hello and good bye to the office at those times I don't greet everyone individually, but apparently she feels that she is so special she deserves a personal greeting every day.

5. Earth Girl will ask Crazy Office Girl if she wants certain phone calls put through to her if Earth Girl is not sure who they want to speak to If I answer the switchboard and don't know who the call should go to, I do the logical thing and I put it through to the team administrator, but according to Crazy Office Girl I do this because I want to disrupt her works and make her look bad by not putting her calls though to her - If they don't ask for her by name how the fuck am I supposed to know it's her they need to speak to?

6. Earth Girl will be more mindful of Crazy Office Girl when she is ordering things or asking members of the department if they want something she isn't on my fucking team - that's why I don't ask her if she wants to order stuff, her own team admin can order stuff for her, she just has to fucking ask!

7. Line manager will see if she can get one of us moved to a different desk Dear God, Please, please, please, let them shift her to the other end of the office, Amen.

Overheard in the office

PA to the CEO "I saw theses big white ducks on the pond."
Policy manager "Big whight ducks? You mean swans?"
PA to the CEO "Big white ducks."
Policy manager "You mean swans?"
Pa to the CEO "Swans?"
Policy manager "Swans"
Pa to the CEO "Swans... so yeah, I was looking at them and I was wondering how they would taste..."

501!

Yes Dave, I have been enjoying sleeping on my new mattress !
It's nice and soft and great for my back. The only downside to a foam mattress is that they do tend to trap heat. It's great in winter but not so wonderful now that its warming up. I'm waking in the middle of the night roasting hot and drenched in sweat, despite having forked out extra for the mattress with the NASA desigend cooling vents. But then nothing is prefect and so I shall just ditch my duvet for a sheet.

The main reason I haven't been blogging is pure and simple exhaustion. My boss has been off sick for the past 2 months and i have been doing both his work and mine. In the run up to the new financial year on the 1st April it was insanely busy. We were getting non stop calls from people who had found them selves with a supply in their budget and wanted to spend it on training courses for their staff rather than loose the money, because as we all know next years budgets are tight and one of the first things organisations cut back on in recession is training. So at least we have a full calender of work for the next 12 months.

During March I was doing so much overtime I accrued a weeks worth of lieu time, which would be brilliant if I were able to take it. In addition to the lieu time i had 5 days of annual leave I had to take or else loose.

Cue a shitty holiday to Portugal with my mum. We paid far too much and had a mediocre time. We kept finding dead cockroaches in the apartment. The swimming pool was cold as ice and we couldn't go out in the evenings because mother dearest had to watch Eastenders on the satellite TV every night. I felt just as crap when I got back as when I left.

I have just re-discovered...

...Tipex !

How could i have forgotten about liquid paper ! Since my rediscovery carbon footprint has been reduced by at least a quarter - well maybe not a quarter, but I am certainly using less paper.

What a bloody marvelous invention.

Its the little unexpected thingsthat make me happy

For health and safety reasons we've all been sent home from the office. A disruption to the mains supply has left our building without water and we all get half a day off. Brilliant !

So I'm headed off to the gym for a leisurely swim followed by a sauna and half an hour of people watching from the jacuzzi before heading home to a plate full of pancakes. I'm not sure this day could get any better.

Glad tidings we bring

Christmas is fast approaching (just five days to go) and the only place that I feel even remotely Christmasy is the Office. sad but true. There are no decorations on our desks but there is a big christmas tree in the foyer decked out in the corporate colours.

I brought in a Christmas cake baked with my own fair hands yesterday and it went down a treat as witnessed by the scant few crumbs left on the plate come 5pm.

‘your xmas cake is gorgeous’
‘I’m most impressed. I may have to sneak down to the kitchen and have some more’

Those are the kinds of emails that make my heart warm !

And finally I received a big bloggy Christmas present in the return of Universal Solider to the blogsphere. Welcome back Uni!

fucking bastard printer

I don’t know why that fucking piece of shit fucking bastard printer fucking hates me so much. I want to smash it up and then jump up and down on the pieces and then spit on them and then set fire to them and then laugh manically before being taken away by the men in white coats. I really can’t take any more.

smack on the wrist

Just been asked very nicely not to wear jeans to the temp job. ooops......

London Bomb

It's all very exciting on my 3 day at the new temp job. For low and behold on the street outside my office a great big car bomb has just been defused !

I arrived at the south end of Haymarket to find the street courdoned off and a pack of jornalists pointing cameras up the street towards Picadilly Circus. The policeman on guard assured me I'd be able to get into my building via the back entrance and that the street was merely courdoned off due to a suspect package.

I was then informed by the receprionist that it wasn't a suspect package but a real live car bomb that had been discoverd at 3.30am. It had been difused, so we were safe. But the whole office is shocked that we haven't all been sent home, who know what other nasty surprises are lurking down side streets.

On the bright side there is a nice view of the blue tent covering the crime sceene from the office window. You can just see it behind the white van.

the end is nigh

My 6 month contract is up and I've just had to interview with Jay Jay and Head of Team.

My brain atrophied as soon as I stepped into the room. I doubt I've got it.

They are interviewing shit loads of people all of today and Monday.

I've contacted my old agency to line me up some interviews elsewhere. . .

I love free stuff

Big things are afoot at the pink charity and due to department a reshuffle teams are moving to different locations around the office. Cupboards and desks are being cleaned out and the accumulated detritus is being heaped on the kitchen table like a jumble sale.

Out of date T-shirts, a box of face packs, perfume sunglasses and assorted odds and ends are up for grabs and the staff have been determinedly rifling through determined to bag the best goodies.

I have managed to snag quite a hoard including a superman T-shirt, a brand new bottle of perfume, a ramblers guide to Cumbria, designer sunglasses, a cute and cuddly teddy and a Betty Boop ceramic figure.

Now, I just have to sign up for eBay.

brain block

I've just had a really shit team meeting which turned into a brain storming SWOT analisys of the team. I couldn't think of a single inteligable thing to say. Head of Dept was not pleased with me.

ignore it its just the fire alarm

A few people glanced around to see if anyone else was getting up. Most people carried on with their work. It was only when i got up and put my bag on my shoulder ready to head for the fire escape that everyone else in my team realised it wasn't 10am on a Monday and therefore it wasn't a test of the fire alarm.

Good news - Bad news

Good news: I have an interview from last weeks rushed job aplication.

Bad News: It's tomorrow. I have virtualy no time to prepare and I loose out on half a days pay at my temp job.

an end to temping?

I got a call from my temp agency on Wednesday afternoon. They wanted me to apply for an extremely good job they had. The only drawback – applications needed to be in by Friday and they needed one of those stupid supporting statements to go with my cv. Agency lady said I needed about 2 pages of waffle about how my previous work experience related to the job spec.

Obviously there was no way I could get this done on Wednesday night, because I had to watch Jane Hall and bitch about the ridiculously short deadline I’d been given.
Thursday was my only opportunity to get the stupid statement done but it had to be ready before 5 and agency lady needed to proof read it first.

Could I do it over my lunch hour? No! lunch hour is for eating and taking a walk, so the only option was to sneakily do it in the afternoon instead of working.
Oh me oh, my, lucky I didn’t actually have any real work to do.

Passionless

I seem to have lost my passion for blogging. I am no longer a blogaholic. I'm not building huge stores of blog poststo be used at a later date, I'm not going back over past posts and re-editing them. I can't be botherd to blog.

I thing it may be a symptom of depression. Well, that and a reluctance to sneek onto the net while temping. I'd feel guilty about taking advantage of the Cancer Charilty where I'm working especialy when I'd get the boot straight away if Igot cought.

Oh for the days when i had a proper job and I sneekily blogged about my colleagues while I was suposed to be working . . . that was fun.

This office is boring. In 5 weeks I have had hardly any blogging fodder. I can only think of 2 incidents to tell you about. The're funny incidents but not very substantial. The first was when one of the secretarys noticed George with his head in his hands and a look of pain on his face.

"George, are you ok?"
"yeah, I'm just thinking and it hurts"

The second was when the Marketing Guy got back from a meeting a Deutchabank and a middle aged man from finance came over to see how it went.

"So how did it go with the krauts?"

Needless to say the office decended into a stunned silence as we turned to look at each other with looks of profound shock on our faces that anyone so seniour could be so un-PC, in such a loud voice, in front off a whole office full of people.