I had a long conversation with an aquaintence last night. It was conducted over the internet and as I'm sure you're aware it's a lot easier to spill your guts online than it is face to face. I ended up telling him a lot of things I probably wouldn't have if he had asked me those same questions face to face.
He asked me if I'd always been fat. Yes, I have.
He asked me if I blamed my parents for me being fat? Yes and No. I blame them for me being a fat child and entrenching me in a very sedentary lifestyle.
But I accept the fact that I should have taken control.
There is no one to blame for me being a fat adult other than myself. Yes, I could have done with some support, yes, I have often been derailed by my family but ultimately the responsibility is mine and mine alone.
I hide behind my fat like a security blanket. I blame it for everything that is wrong with my life, none of it is my fault. At least that's what I'd like to believe. Sure my fat is a problem and people treat me differently because of it.
But most of my problems are probaly due to low self esteem issues that need to be dealt with first or at least at the same time as the excess weight.
When I stop and think about it the only times I have ever managed to loose any weight were when I felt good about myself, work was going well, I had freinds and we were going out and doing stuff I wasn't stuck in the house watching TV. I was happy, I was content, I didn't need to turn to food for comfort. I didn't need to punish myself by eating so much I would feel guilty about it afterward.
I felt like shit when the conversation ended. I wanted to cry.