When I was 14 they showed a documentary on TV about Feeders. I didn't watch it but the next day several girls I my year HUNTED ME DOWN to tell me all about the show and how these 'perverts' liked big fat fatties like me.
I tried to laugh it off. I tried to hide my hurt and confusion. I carried in with my day.
I internalised what they said.
No boys in my school were interested in me. I was not exactly bullied but I was never allowed to forget that I was the fat ugly one. I internalised that too.
I have accepted that I will be alone forever, I have accepted that I will never be loved, never get married, have a family or ever even have a boyfriend because of everything I internalised during those formative years.
I understand on an intellectual basis that I am not a disgusting fat freak but I will forever feel that way. I will always know deep down in my heart that any man who shows any interest in me is nothing bust a disgusting pervert Feeder for the sole reason that he has shown a romantic or sexual interest in me.
I have always been alone. I will always be alone.
I will die alone.
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