Friday, 2 May 2008

feeling shitter than ever

Just before Christmas I went to see my GP to ask for counselling. He told me he would make an appointment for me. He'd be in touch. I waited.

My mother - sick of my depression, made enquiries yesterday only to be told that they had forgotten all about me. I now have an appointment later this month, five months after I asked for help. Logically I know that it's probably just a symptom of an overburdened NHS. Emotionally I know that it's because nobody gives a shit about me and if I died tomorrow no one would care.

It wasn't easy to ask for help. I burst into tears while doing it.

I constantly sabotage my life. I need help to stop.

My life is the way it is because I made it so.

I could have been successful. I should have been successful. I want to be successful.

I punish myself, because I hate myself. I have never felt loved, I have felt like I belonged.

I remember feeling like an outsider at the age of 3.

Sometimes I think about disappearing and wonder if anyone would notice. But, at least here I can take some small comfort in the familiar.


  1. you have to wait more weeks after their screw up?!! that's really unacceptable.

    i am sorry to hear you're feeling so down. i hope you get counseling soon to work through your issues.

  2. I too am sorry to hear that youre feeling low, but hopefully the counselling will help.

    Its as you say, its us that makes our lives the way they, so its only ourselves that can change things. Admittedly its easier said than done and changes can take a long time.

    Look on all the positive things that you have done and achieved. The trip to Aus. didnt just happen, you made it happen.

    We can all look back and say, If only etc...or I should have done this or that, but for whatever reason we didnt. I'm sure this is just a hiccup and you'll soon be as right as granny used to say that.

  3. You've achieved something just by accepting that you need some help (it sounds like a cliche, but it's true). People aren't as open to therapy in this country as they should be - they bury their heads in the sand and nothing gets solved or even acknowledged. At least now, you can feel as though you're making some progress towards feeling right.

    As for the NHS, yeah, they're shit.