Bigger, smaller, bigger

I lost weight while I was backpacking, it's hard to be sure exactly how much weight I lost as I didn't weigh myself before I went away. I was certainly the fattest I'd ever been, I was wearing size 24 jeans.

I didn't diet while I was away, but when I got to Australia I lost weight because I was very active. I walked about 3 miles a day and my eating patterns changed. I wasn't picking at food all day. I was avoiding junk food and bread and eating more fruit and veg. When it was nearly time for me to leave Australia I got a bit depressed and ate more and put back on a little weight - not a lot but enough to notice.

I arrived in Thailand and had a suit made, but while I was in Asia I was once again very active and eating less. Then I got back to England - put on a little again as I was stuck at home eating while looking for a job.

I got a temp job and went on a healthy eating diet and joined the gym. I lost lots of weight. The suit I had made for me in Thailand was now too big for me and looked awful (Yay - that I was getting thinner - Boo that all that money I spent on a custom made suit went to waste!).

I bought new clothes and I felt good but I started to grow more and more disturbed by the fact that although I had lost weight, handsome men were not throwing themselves at my feet - neither were average looking men or even ugly men.

I didn't understand - isn't loosing weight supposed to make men like you? Isn't your life supposed to become fabulous? I was going straight to the gyme after work and straight home from the gym. I spent my weekends alone, just the same as before. Do I have to become a waif for my life to change? Why am I constantly seeing women fatter than me with babies? It's not fucking fair.

I started a new job and kept up the diet for a while then I got complacent and started going to the gym less & started buying sandwiches from Pret for lunch like everyone else in the office. Winter set in and I got depressed, again. I wasn't so happy at work, it was cold and miserable outside and I started to comfort eat again. (Having a Krispy Kreme a few doors down from the office didn't help.)

I made an appointment for the diet club at the gym.