Bigger, smaller, bigger

I lost weight while I was backpacking, it's hard to be sure exactly how much weight I lost as I didn't weigh myself before I went away. I was certainly the fattest I'd ever been, I was wearing size 24 jeans.

I didn't diet while I was away, but when I got to Australia I lost weight because I was very active. I walked about 3 miles a day and my eating patterns changed. I wasn't picking at food all day. I was avoiding junk food and bread and eating more fruit and veg. When it was nearly time for me to leave Australia I got a bit depressed and ate more and put back on a little weight - not a lot but enough to notice.

I arrived in Thailand and had a suit made, but while I was in Asia I was once again very active and eating less. Then I got back to England - put on a little again as I was stuck at home eating while looking for a job.

I got a temp job and went on a healthy eating diet and joined the gym. I lost lots of weight. The suit I had made for me in Thailand was now too big for me and looked awful (Yay - that I was getting thinner - Boo that all that money I spent on a custom made suit went to waste!).

I bought new clothes and I felt good but I started to grow more and more disturbed by the fact that although I had lost weight, handsome men were not throwing themselves at my feet - neither were average looking men or even ugly men.

I didn't understand - isn't loosing weight supposed to make men like you? Isn't your life supposed to become fabulous? I was going straight to the gyme after work and straight home from the gym. I spent my weekends alone, just the same as before. Do I have to become a waif for my life to change? Why am I constantly seeing women fatter than me with babies? It's not fucking fair.

I started a new job and kept up the diet for a while then I got complacent and started going to the gym less & started buying sandwiches from Pret for lunch like everyone else in the office. Winter set in and I got depressed, again. I wasn't so happy at work, it was cold and miserable outside and I started to comfort eat again. (Having a Krispy Kreme a few doors down from the office didn't help.)

I made an appointment for the diet club at the gym.

Earth Girl has a long conversation

I had a long conversation with an aquaintence last night. It was conducted over the internet and as I'm sure you're aware it's a lot easier to spill your guts online than it is face to face. I ended up telling him a lot of things I probably wouldn't have if he had asked me those same questions face to face.

He asked me if I'd always been fat. Yes, I have.
He asked me if I blamed my parents for me being fat? Yes and No. I blame them for me being a fat child and entrenching me in a very sedentary lifestyle.
But I accept the fact that I should have taken control.

There is no one to blame for me being a fat adult other than myself. Yes, I could have done with some support, yes, I have often been derailed by my family but ultimately the responsibility is mine and mine alone.

I hide behind my fat like a security blanket. I blame it for everything that is wrong with my life, none of it is my fault. At least that's what I'd like to believe. Sure my fat is a problem and people treat me differently because of it.

But most of my problems are probaly due to low self esteem issues that need to be dealt with first or at least at the same time as the excess weight.

When I stop and think about it the only times I have ever managed to loose any weight were when I felt good about myself, work was going well, I had freinds and we were going out and doing stuff I wasn't stuck in the house watching TV. I was happy, I was content, I didn't need to turn to food for comfort. I didn't need to punish myself by eating so much I would feel guilty about it afterward.

I felt like shit when the conversation ended. I wanted to cry.

Bird Fight

In an attempt to remove temptation from my path, I emptied my kitchen of bread and biscuits. At lunch time I walked up to the duck pond to feed them to the birds.

I feel all Earth-Mothery and at one with nature. Until 2 Geese started fighting over a bit of baguette. Who knew Geese could be so vicious?

Is that really necessary ?

There was a naked woman in the changing room of the gym this morning.

She was standing at the mirror putting on make-up, naked.

I understand that not everyone feels the need to hide under a towel when they change, but just standing around naked doing stuff...there's just no need, put some fucking clothes on you fucking exhibitionist.

Christmas Gifts

The problem with working in an office over christmas is all the cakes and sweets and biscuits people keep bringing in as gifts.

Our suppliers have so far sent our department a big luxury box of chocolate covered biscuits form Marks & Spencer, a big tin of Quality streets, a box of Indian sweets, 2 bags of Hershey's kisses, a bag of peppermint patties, a box of fairy cakes, a chocolate Yule log and a box of muffins.

It wouldn't be so bad if they were left in the downstairs kitchen, I only venture down there once a day. But they are in the upstairs kitchen (so they don't get nicked by people from other departments). The counter they are on is in my direct line of sight and I have to walk past it every time I leave the room. It's just not fair that this kind of temptation is in my way.

Being gluten free has helped me avoid a lot of it though. No cakes, biscuits, Yule log or muffins for me. But I have had a fair few chocolates . . . Still, you have to reason that partial abstinence is better than none at all!!!

It was a mistake try and start a diet in december

. . .because lets face it, it was never going to work.

I mostly stuck to it the first week. I went to the gym 4 times and I did a yoga class. But then on Friday we had our department Christmas dinner and everything went out the window.

I haven't pigged out this last week but I haven't dieted. I have had quite a few biscuits form the deluxe box that one of our suppliers sent us and I had a blueberry muffin form the box of muffins another supplier sent.

So here’s what I'm going to do from now until new year will be the pre-diet, cutting out the bread and biscuits and getting over he worst of the cravings, and upping the exercise so that by the time the actually hard work begins I'll be used to it and it wont be such a shock to the system.

I also will not be telling anybody I know what i am doing. I have found that if you even tell one person you are on a diet you are doomed to failure. They will constantly be asking you about it and making it into a big issue and bringing it up all the time so that you are constantly thinking about it which is bad. The only way to get through it is to change your lifestyle and keep it to your self. The only time i have ever had success with a diet has been when I have done this and every time I have failed is when I have told some one. So this time I'm keeping my mouth shut.