The life long effects...

When I was 14 they showed a documentary on TV about Feeders. I didn't watch it but the next day several girls I my year HUNTED ME DOWN to tell me all about the show and  how these 'perverts' liked big fat fatties like me.

I tried to laugh it off. I tried to hide my hurt and confusion. I carried in with my day.
I internalised what they said.

No boys in my school were interested in me. I was not exactly bullied but I was never allowed to forget that I was the fat ugly one. I internalised that too.

I have accepted that I will be alone forever, I have accepted that I will never be loved, never get married, have a family or ever even have a boyfriend because of everything I internalised during those formative years.

I understand on an intellectual basis that I am not a disgusting fat freak but I will forever feel that way.  I will always know deep down in my heart that any man who shows any interest in me is nothing bust a disgusting pervert Feeder for the sole reason that he has shown a romantic or sexual interest in me. 

I have always been alone. I will always be alone.
I will die alone.

Which old witch? The wicked witch!

Hey Ho, Blog readers,

Today i am in a very happy mood as my work place enemy Smelly pshcyo bitch work college from hell sits at the desk next to me, has finally been made redundant!

Is it a coincidence that i have been singing ding dong the witch is dead ever since? No, of course it isn't!

I like the munchkins before me, am going to celebrate this awesome event with songs and lollypops!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XOEq-ImGWJ0

Holy Fuck, I found a grey hair!

A mother fucking grey hair. What a way to welcome the new year.

I started 2012 as a fat single 34 year old with a cat. 
I started 2013 a fat single 35 year old with 4 cats.

I swore I wouldn't get attached to Twinkles's 5 kittens. I planned to give all but one away. But, the more time I spent watching them and playing with them, the more I became attached and when we could only find homes for 2 of them...well the rest is history. 





The Olympics arrived and I spent 2 and a bit weeks as a Games Maker at Wembley Arena during the Badminton and the Rhythmic Gymnastics. I miss being a Games Maker, I felt special and I really miss the Games Maker nod.  When on my way to or from a shift and I spotted another Games Maker we would give each other a little nod of recognizing our superiority over those mere mortals who did not share the privilege of Games Makerdom. (I can be am a terrible snob about anything!)

Earth Girl and the wardrobe full of kittens

About a year ago, I got a kitten, a kitten who has grown into a beautiful cat.

We were going to have her neutered but I felt guilty, so we decided to let her have one litter of kittens. Which she did, one month ago, in my wardrobe, on top of my nice office skirt and a teddy bear from my childhood.

I washed the skirt, and threw away the teddy bear. It was just a useless peice of detritus from my past, cluttering up my present. I never played with that teddy bear as a child, I suppose I just kept hold of it out of some misplaced sense of nostalgia. I don't miss it now that it's gone. I feel good about throwing it away. I cling to too much crap from my past.

I cleared a lot of similarly useless crap ot of the bottom of that wardrobe and I replaced it with a bed I made for my cat and her kittens. it's just a box lined with some towels and sheets, but it's a much better use of the space that that stupid teddy bear ever was.

crazy office girl - again !!!

You may remember that I work for a charity - and you may have heard that times are tough in the charity sector, as no one has any money. Well our charity decided to work around this problem by making a round of redundancies. Not to my role for I am far to excellent and vital to the organisation - but to Crazy Office Girl's department and happily to Crazy office gril herself - SCORE !!!

I was happy.

Then it was announced that we had found funding for a new project, this was good news. Then it was announced that they were giving the new project to Crazy office girl - this was bad news.

She is STILL sitting next to me. She is still mental.

On Wednesday my work friend was leaving for a better and more well paid job and I was feeling pretty down about it. I had volunteered help out at a work do in the evening and was hoping it would take my mind off my loss.

I have helped out with this annual event for the last 4 years in a row and at the end of last years event we had decided to do things slightly differently to make things run smoother. However the event organiser forgot all about the proposed changes and when she came over to brief Crazy Office girl (who had also volunteered) she started to give her the wrong information.

Naturally, I stepped in to remind the event organiser of the planned changes so that she could give the correct info to Crazy Office Girl. Who suddenly tuned into Psycho Bitch from Office Hell and went into one because I interrupted her conversation.

The whole office went quiet with bewilderment at her mental behaviour and I now have even more motivation to find myself a another (better) job.

One grandfather is dead. One is dying.
The dead one my maternal grand father was a mean horrible bully. Who traumatised me in my childhood and treated my grandmother terribly. She has Altzheimers now and has been much happier since he died. Withoit him belitteling her and constantly reminding her that her youngest son is dead, she happily potters about the flat talking to his picture in the belief that it is him in the flesh. Although she is happier now that he is gone he was the centre of her world for over 40 years and he will be the last person she forgets.

What was lost is now found

Remember when my house was burgled?

Well, one of the things I was most upset about loosing was the gold necklace my Mum gave me for my 21st birthday. I believed that it was in my vanity case that was stolen along with all my other gold and silver jewelry. I thought that it was gone forever.

But it wasn't it was on the floor between a very old stack of magazines and a cupboard I never open. I was happy, very, very happy.

Earth Girl the good Samaritan

It's 6.30pm and I am sat at my desk, guiding a complete stranger through the streets of London via the telephone.

The poor thing had to drive up from Kent to deliver something to our office and got hoplessly lost trying to get home. She was nearly at the Blackwall tunnel when she got lost in Londons maze of one-way systems and ended updriving miles in completly the wrong direction.

So with the aid of google maps I have been guiding her in the right direction for the last half an hour - luckily for her I had decided to work late!

She's told me she's buying a Sat-nav first thing tomorrow morning.

Happy Birthday to Me

Wow, I should really check the comments more often. I would like to say a BIG THANK YOU to the ladies who commented in my defence.

And I would like to ask Paul O'Neil, Why if my blog is so pointless and boring, did you read so much of it ?
Twat.

Anyway, back to me and my depression. I have an appointment with the psychologist at the end of June to begin 6 weeks of treatment.

I had a very nice birthday last week, which began with a nightmare about a demon child living in the attic, then progressed to lunch at The Ivy (Omid Djalilly was there!) and then watching the England v USA match on the telly accompanied by a vast array of unhealthy snacks.

Life is OK.

crazy office girl-the update

I just foound out that they have decided not to move the desk of te crazy bitch who sits next to me, beacause:
A- we are superficialy getting on.
B- she's hardly ever in the office
C-shes now had a barney with the girl who sits next to the vacant seat they had planned to move her to.

After a slightly inebriated chat to a colegue in the pub, it was revealed that she's fallen out with every female in the office under 40.
She is a psycho.