Earth Girl

crazy office girl - again !!!

2011-06-24T17:18:00.000+01:00

You may remember that I work for a charity - and you may have heard that times are tough in the charity sector, as no one has any money. Well our charity decided to work around this problem by making a round of redundancies. Not to my role for I am far to excellent and vital to the organisation - but to Crazy Office Girl's department and happily to Crazy office gril herself - SCORE !!!

I was happy.

Then it was announced that we had found funding for a new project, this was good news. Then it was announced that they were giving the new project to Crazy office girl - this was bad news.

She is STILL sitting next to me. She is still mental.

On Wednesday my work friend was leaving for a better and more well paid job and I was feeling pretty down about it. I had volunteered help out at a work do in the evening and was hoping it would take my mind off my loss.

I have helped out with this annual event for the last 4 years in a row and at the end of last years event we had decided to do things slightly differently to make things run smoother. However the event organiser forgot all about the proposed changes and when she came over to brief Crazy Office girl (who had also volunteered) she started to give her the wrong information.

Naturally, I stepped in to remind the event organiser of the planned changes so that she could give the correct info to Crazy Office Girl. Who suddenly tuned into Psycho Bitch from Office Hell and went into one because I interrupted her conversation.

The whole office went quiet with bewilderment at her mental behaviour and I now have even more motivation to find myself a another (better) job.

2010-11-26T18:49:00.003Z

One grandfather is dead. One is dying.
The dead one my maternal grand father was a mean horrible bully. Who traumatised me in my childhood and treated my grandmother terribly. She has Altzheimers now and has been much happier since he died. Withoit him belitteling her and constantly reminding her that her youngest son is dead, she happily potters about the flat talking to his picture in the belief that it is him in the flesh. Although she is happier now that he is gone he was the centre of her world for over 40 years and he will be the last person she forgets.

What was lost is now found

2010-08-11T13:32:00.003+01:00

Remember when my house was burgled?

Well, one of the things I was most upset about loosing was the gold necklace my Mum gave me for my 21st birthday. I believed that it was in my vanity case that was stolen along with all my other gold and silver jewelry. I thought that it was gone forever.

But it wasn't it was on the floor between a very old stack of magazines and a cupboard I never open. I was happy, very, very happy.

Earth Girl the good Samaritan

2010-08-06T18:24:00.005+01:00

It's 6.30pm and I am sat at my desk, guiding a complete stranger through the streets of London via the telephone.

The poor thing had to drive up from Kent to deliver something to our office and got hoplessly lost trying to get home. She was nearly at the Blackwall tunnel when she got lost in Londons maze of one-way systems and ended updriving miles in completly the wrong direction.

So with the aid of google maps I have been guiding her in the right direction for the last half an hour - luckily for her I had decided to work late!

She's told me she's buying a Sat-nav first thing tomorrow morning.

Happy Birthday to Me

2010-06-16T08:59:00.004+01:00

Wow, I should really check the comments more often. I would like to say a BIG THANK YOU to the ladies who commented in my defence.

And I would like to ask Paul O'Neil, Why if my blog is so pointless and boring, did you read so much of it ?
Twat.

Anyway, back to me and my depression. I have an appointment with the psychologist at the end of June to begin 6 weeks of treatment.

I had a very nice birthday last week, which began with a nightmare about a demon child living in the attic, then progressed to lunch at The Ivy (Omid Djalilly was there!) and then watching the England v USA match on the telly accompanied by a vast array of unhealthy snacks.

Life is OK.

crazy office girl-the update

2010-05-19T18:52:00.003+01:00

I just foound out that they have decided not to move the desk of te crazy bitch who sits next to me, beacause:
A- we are superficialy getting on.
B- she's hardly ever in the office
C-shes now had a barney with the girl who sits next to the vacant seat they had planned to move her to.

After a slightly inebriated chat to a colegue in the pub, it was revealed that she's fallen out with every female in the office under 40.
She is a psycho.

cock

2010-05-17T20:21:00.001+01:00

Today I was told off by my boss.

On friday I recived a rather funny email and without thinking I sent it to the entire office. Many people came up to me during the day to tell me how funny it was and I thought no more about it.

But alas, some-one decided that sending round a picture of David Cameron standing outside a branch of peacocks with the p, e, a & s of the sign out of view, wasn't a good idea.

We rely heavily on government funding and contracts here at the purple charity, and it wouldn't do to go upsetting any one at this delecate time.

I must admit though, that it was a relief to find out that implying that DC is a male chicken, was all that I was in trouble for. I have been doing rather a lot of slacking off lately and spent most of friday surfing the internet...

voting scrum

2010-05-06T21:54:00.002+01:00

Trying to exit the tube station on my way home was like a cross between a rugby scrum and a paparazzi frenzy. 'Vote for us', 'Have you voted yet?', 'The Christian party!'. Little did they know, I'd already voted Lib dem'.

Getting the old Earth Girl back

2010-05-01T16:05:00.004+01:00

I haven't been around much. In the psychological sense, for quite sometime now. My depression got to the point where my doctor put me on antidepressants.

It's a mild drug at the minimum dose but they are antidepressants none the less. On Wednesday I had my first appointment with a psychologist. This one is a proper PhD Psychologist unlike the quack I saw last time and I think that this time she really will help. I already feel more positive after just the assessment.

I think the gist of her assessment is that much of my problems come from an inability to communicate my feelings and wishes, coupled with negative learnt behaviours and childhood trauma.

It's not that I had an exceptionally horrible childhood, there are millions who had it far worse than me. But I am a sensitive soul and learnt to internalise my distress which has compounded over the years into a big ball of ... I don't know how to describe it, but it's bad it's negative and destructive and it sits at the back of my brain influencing my life.

I hope that I can learn to move past it and move on.

Freebies

2010-03-18T19:01:00.002Z

Working for a charity the perks and freebies are few and far between. So when a posh hotel invites me to a show around with free booze and canapes, I snap up the invitation as fast as I can. Hence me sitting in the posh bar of a very posh central London hotel siping a very nice white wine after eating my first ever oyster and blogging on the free wifi. C'est la vie!

Now if a handsom, kind, whitty, generous, single, billionaire would swoop in and sweep me off my feet. ...

2010-03-17T08:58:00.002Z

After years of smugness about the pristine condition in which I keep my mobile phones. I have gone and dropped my brand spanking new phone in a bowl full of hot water and dettol. And then dropped it in again while fishing it out. Epic Fail.

But luckily I watched that episode of the gadget show last year where they tackeld this very same issue and I ripped open the cover, took out the battery and sim card and opened every flap I could in order to let the phone dry out.

After a shaky start the phone is back in full working order. WIN!

Victim or Perpetrator?

2010-02-01T18:00:00.000Z

I have been accused of bullying a girl at work. Can you believe it? Me, a bully! It's ludicrous. Even my manager said so when the allegation was made 'you don't have a bulling bone in your body' were her exact words.

It first started when I got back from holiday after Christmas. My manager took me aside and told me that the girl at the desk next to me had made a complaint about me to the HR manager. 'She says you are disrespectful to her' etc.

I was shocked that she had made such a complaint. I mean there is no love lost between us that is for sure. I don't like her. She is stupid and annoying and has made some very condescending comments to me in the past. I don't enjoy her company and have declined invitations to after work drinks if I knew she was going to go. Not out of spitefulness but because I knew she would annoy me with her inanity and ruin my night and I didn't want to turn anyone else’s night sour with my foul mood.

We had to have a meeting with my line manager to 'discuss the situation'. She spouted the many perceived crimes against her and I managed to (mostly) diplomatically tell her she was full of shit and imagining things. I may have raised my voice ever so slightly (OK quite a lot) when she started telling me what I was thinking 'You think this, and you think that' are you a fucking mind reader then? And accused me of leading a gang of women who were purposely ignoring in an attempt to bully her!!! Beyond ludicrous - if people in the office are ignoring her it’s because she is an annoying twat. I have in fact been extremely professional and kept my dislike of her completely to myself. I have never mentioned my dislike of her to any of my colleagues, ever.

But, I managed to reign most of my anger in and actually kept my mouth shut through a lot of it, knowing that she wasn't actually listening to anything I was saying and that retorting would just wind her up even more and escalate the situation. And besides she really isn't worth the breath.

I must say though that my line manager’s mediation skills were first rate and that by the end of the meeting she had negotiated a 7 point plan to try and make the atmosphere in the office more tolerable.

7 points are as follows:

1. listen to each more apparently I don't listen to her.

2. make eye contact with each other when speaking apparently I don't make eye contact with her when she speaks to me - probably because the sight of her make me angry.

3. not interrupt each others conversations apparently I am always interrupting her conversitions - But I freely admit to this because as she obviously hasn't noticed I interrupt everyone’s conversations with my 2 pennies worth, I'm not singling her out!

4. say hello and goodbye to each other I don't say Hello or Goodbye to her because she is never here when I arrive and never here when I leave, I say a general hello and good bye to the office at those times I don't greet everyone individually, but apparently she feels that she is so special she deserves a personal greeting every day.

5. Earth Girl will ask Crazy Office Girl if she wants certain phone calls put through to her if Earth Girl is not sure who they want to speak to If I answer the switchboard and don't know who the call should go to, I do the logical thing and I put it through to the team administrator, but according to Crazy Office Girl I do this because I want to disrupt her works and make her look bad by not putting her calls though to her - If they don't ask for her by name how the fuck am I supposed to know it's her they need to speak to?

6. Earth Girl will be more mindful of Crazy Office Girl when she is ordering things or asking members of the department if they want something she isn't on my fucking team - that's why I don't ask her if she wants to order stuff, her own team admin can order stuff for her, she just has to fucking ask!

7. Line manager will see if she can get one of us moved to a different desk Dear God, Please, please, please, let them shift her to the other end of the office, Amen.

snow update

2009-12-21T20:55:00.003Z

Yes, I fell over again.

This time I landed flat on my back half way down my road. I would like to thank the two chivalrous young men who rushed to my aid. Oh no, wait they didn't rush to my aid. They just sniggered.

The little shits.

wet slushy f-ing snow

2009-12-21T17:40:00.003Z

I have just fallen over twice on my way from my office to the tube station (about 150 metres).

My boots have no grip and they're not water tight, so as well as having 2 sore knees and a sore ankle, my toes are wet and cold.

I hate the snow.

some people just need to shut the fuck up

2009-12-16T10:17:00.002Z

When youu have no experience of a situation, don't offer you fucking opinion.

Sorry. Had to Vent.

long time no blog

2009-12-12T19:11:00.002Z

guess who just got a fancy new phone with internet access. Yeah, me. Now i can blog on the train on the way home !

Oh dear, what can the matter be....

2009-08-23T14:57:00.006+01:00

It's been a busy and eventful weekend pour moi.

Yesterday, I got stuck in a lavatory. I kid you not.

I was about to head home from the Westfield shopping centre when I decided to use the loo. The only available cubical was the one at the far end with the wobbly door lock. I didn't think anything of it. It locked OK, but would not unlock, it just spun round and round and round. Had it been any other type of lock. I am certain I could have gotten myself out. But not at Westfield. Oh no they had to install big fancy doors with locks you can't get at.

So, after about 2 minutes of knocking on the door and asking for help. The kind lady in the next cubicle went off to get the cleaning lady to help.

The cleaning lady called security who came along after 10 minutes and decided to call maintenance. The cleaning lady realised this could take a looooooong time and hit on the idea of using a coin to spin the lock from the outside and open the door. And so, easy as that, I was free, embarrassed, but free.

Look what I made!

2009-07-19T19:03:00.004+01:00

I went to a cake decorating class.

Overheard in the office

2009-07-16T09:01:00.000+01:00

PA to the CEO "I saw theses big white ducks on the pond."
Policy manager "Big whight ducks? You mean swans?"
PA to the CEO "Big white ducks."
Policy manager "You mean swans?"
Pa to the CEO "Swans?"
Policy manager "Swans"
Pa to the CEO "Swans... so yeah, I was looking at them and I was wondering how they would taste..."

The Circus

2009-07-03T22:59:00.003+01:00

Today I walked home to the sound of Take That live in concert, live and Loud and eminating from Wembley Stadium.

It was just like the good old days of the late 80s and early 90s when concerts at the original Wembley Stadium were so loud we could hear them inside the house with all the door and windows closed.

I ended my day sat in the garden, glass of wine in hand, listening to the concert and watching the fireworks.

back to the drawing board

2009-06-30T18:26:00.000+01:00

I went swimming today and colapsed after 8 lengths. Pathetic.

So I decided to set my self a new challenge and swim Liverpool to New York. that is until I found out how far apart they are. 5299km. It took me about 4 months to be fit enough to swim 1km at a time. it'll take me years. I need a shorter swim. Any sugestions?

2009-06-29T18:39:00.000+01:00

He still hasn't emailed, the complete and utter BASTARD.

repent at leisure

2009-06-24T18:57:00.000+01:00

I went speed dating on Saturday. I arrived on time, which was much earlier than I should have. We were asked to arrive at 7.30 to register for the event at 8pm. I was the only girl there at 7.30 the rest arrived in pairs and threes as it got closer to kick off. We were supposed to mingle and gett chatting. I am incapable of doing this due to my cripling shyness, so I stand at the bar slowly sipping my wine, while all the men - who also seem to be here in groups steadily try to avoid looking at me, while praying that it won't be all fat ugly birds tonite.

Eeventualy it started. I took my place at my table and my first date, a lawyer form Azerbijan sat down in front of me. We were supposed to chat untill the whistle blew - about 3 minutes. My first date didn't even want to spend that long talking to me. We introduced ourselves and thenhe tried to excuse himself to go to the bar ... but no way in hell wasI going to let him humiliate me like that so I told him that actualy you have to keep talikng untill the whistle blew. He stayed put and we made awkward small talk for another minute and a half.

Most of my dates seemed to go well and i actualy enjoyed most of them and could have chatted to them for a lot longer that the 3 minutes allotted. There were of course a couple of complete duds. One was a good looking bloke who said he was a music producer and loved the sound of his own voice. Apparently he is working on a top secret project with someone really really famous. If it's such a bit secret and you can't talk abo7ut it why mention it at all you twat.

Then there was the Vietnamese translator whos body language screamed ' i'm really not interested anddon't want to talk to you cos your fat and disgusting'. There was the student accountant who didn't listen to a word I say and the Australian who kept insisting that I must be a good runner becouse i am part Ethiopian. Atlk about racial steriotyping, I should have asked him if he was a racist, alcoholic, sheep fucking, cunt, 'cos like ya know you're an Aussie.

After the event you enter your results on the web site. You give everyone a tick for either a yes, no or friend.
I ticked a few yeses, a few nos and a few friends. Yoou are then informed if anyone you marked as a yes or a friend did the same for you, you don't see the nos. I got several freiend matches and one yes. Being a pessimist, I wasn't expecting a yes ( hoping yes, but expecting no). I definetly wasn't expecting a yes from him. He was Music producers flat mate and just as good looking. I do remeber haveing a really nice chat with lots of laughing. I think he was the one who told me I had a nice smile.

I emailed him. not straight away obviously, I didn't want to look desperate. I waited until Monday evening and sent a short message along the lines of 'Was treally nice meeting you and I really liked talking to you. I look forward to chatting to you again.' I didn't want to sound too keen ans scare him off.

He hasn't replied. I know that there are many, many good reasons that he could have for not replying: hit by a bus, on holiday, knackered computer, arrested for murder, stabbed by mugger, fell over and hit head on curb resulting in amnesia, etc, etc...
But that hasn't stopped me chekcing my fucking email every hour for thr last 2 days anxiously waiting for his email like a some patehtic needy love starved spinster - oh wait I am.

Whay hasn't he fucking emailed me ???

Did he tick yes by mistake ? Did he tick yes for a joke ? Did he tick yes for all the women there (just in case)and is now busy with one of the thin pritty ones? WTF is going on?

Is he playing it cool? Is he trying not to seem too eager so that he doesn't scare me off? Has he changed his mind? Did I take the wrong approach with my email? Should I have asked him out?

I hate this, it's not fun, it's not exciting, it's horrible. It's worse than being lonely.

32

2009-06-16T12:47:00.000+01:00

Turning 32 was not as horrible as I thought it would be.

My family threw me a surprise party. I've always wanted a surprise party.

employee of the month

2009-06-04T17:53:00.002+01:00

I have just become the recipient of the first ever 'Staff Award' at the purple charity. I got a certificate and £100 in vouchers of my choosing. This is my reward for keeping the department alive while my manager was off on 3 months sick leave.

Over a month later I am only just begining to catch up and get back to what resembles normal. In an uncharacteristic surge of bravado I asked for a pay rise. the answer as expected was a big fat no.

I am tired.

501!

2009-04-21T18:48:00.004+01:00

Yes Dave, I have been enjoying sleeping on my new mattress !
It's nice and soft and great for my back. The only downside to a foam mattress is that they do tend to trap heat. It's great in winter but not so wonderful now that its warming up. I'm waking in the middle of the night roasting hot and drenched in sweat, despite having forked out extra for the mattress with the NASA desigend cooling vents. But then nothing is prefect and so I shall just ditch my duvet for a sheet.

The main reason I haven't been blogging is pure and simple exhaustion. My boss has been off sick for the past 2 months and i have been doing both his work and mine. In the run up to the new financial year on the 1st April it was insanely busy. We were getting non stop calls from people who had found them selves with a supply in their budget and wanted to spend it on training courses for their staff rather than loose the money, because as we all know next years budgets are tight and one of the first things organisations cut back on in recession is training. So at least we have a full calender of work for the next 12 months.

During March I was doing so much overtime I accrued a weeks worth of lieu time, which would be brilliant if I were able to take it. In addition to the lieu time i had 5 days of annual leave I had to take or else loose.

Cue a shitty holiday to Portugal with my mum. We paid far too much and had a mediocre time. We kept finding dead cockroaches in the apartment. The swimming pool was cold as ice and we couldn't go out in the evenings because mother dearest had to watch Eastenders on the satellite TV every night. I felt just as crap when I got back as when I left.

the princess and the pea

2009-02-23T18:42:00.004Z

My new mattress finally arrived. But as i didn't have the energy to drag the old mattress outside I just slung the new one on top. My bed is now really high and super bouncy. I told mum to hide a dried pea under the mattress so that we could confirm my life long suspicion that i am in fact a real princess, but she just told me to stop being silly - well that's Evil Queens for you. Next thing you know she'll have me sleeping in the fire place and be offering me suspicious apples.

worth every penny

2009-02-19T18:51:00.002Z

I forked out £60 at the hairdressers on Sunday. I came out with a sleek shiny barnet straightened to within an inch of it's life.

Stepping out of H&M on the way home I felt the first spatter of rain and legged it back inside to buy an umbrella. It was only after I had ripped the tags off and made it half way to the bus stop that I remembered that my coat has a hood...

2009-02-05T18:20:00.001Z

All that's left fo my monsterous coldsore is a flaky scab on my lip.

Just thought you'd like to know.

No longer looking like such a monster

2009-01-28T19:07:00.002Z

The swelling on my lip has gone down and the compeed patches have stopped me looking like a leper. Now I just look like a weirdo with sellotape stuck to my lip.

I managed 15 whole minutes on the exercise bike, and am feeling a but smug.

Earth Girl and the PLAGUE

2009-01-26T19:30:00.004Z

Happy New Year blog readers. 2009 has seen fit to bless me with the mother of all cold sores on my upper lip. I look like I have the plague.

It's work what done it.

I only ever get cold sores when I am stressed and work is extreemly stressful at the moment. Too much work and too little time.

I have decided to blog every time I go to the gym. Bastard IT man at work has blocked blogger so I can't blog from there any more. By the time I get home after work the last thing I want to do is sit in front of a computer. So I will atempt to blog from the gym as I always spend 10 mins in their internet cafe before I leave anyway - I log my workout on a spreadsheet, nerdy yes, but also a great motivator.

Maybe, just maybe I'll stick with it this year...

the joy of swimming

2008-12-17T18:50:00.002Z

It's nice to go swimming without pressure. It's relaxing to be able to swim just for the sake of swimming, to be able to completely shut your brain off and enjoy it.

I must have swum at least 25 lengths, but i can't say for sure as i stopped counting when I got to five.

NKOTB

2008-12-14T18:54:00.000Z

Guess what I bought in the Woolworth's closing down sale. Yes, that's right.
I bought 'New Kids on the Block - the greatest hits' I was never a Blockhead, but listening to this album made me very very happy.

Westfield

2008-12-04T08:43:00.002Z

I was not impressed by the new Westfield shopping centre. It was big and bland and soulless.

The only excitement came when I walked past Gary Lineker out shopping with his WAG. I also spied a girl who was on X-Factor last year. I had no idea who she was but spotted a little girl excitedly asking for an autograph. When she returned to her mum and her gran I crept up behind her and eavesdropped to find out who the 'celeb' was. It turned out it was the girl from Same Difference.

Bonjour Mes Amies !

2008-11-30T15:05:00.004Z

Today I reached France (virtualy) !

Since the 2nd of July I have swum a grand total of 33km, which is the same distance as the shortest route across the Channel from England to France. I am feeling very pleased with myself.

J'suis Excellent !

another year almost over

2008-11-22T20:39:00.002Z

Can you believe it's November already ?!

So much for my resolution to blog every day eh!

Well the new round up is thus.

1. I was burgled. I was in shock and I cried a lot. My hands shook as I called the police. The burglar got in by using a screwdriver to force open my window - so much for the security of double glazing. They didn't take much. They took the box which held my jewelry, credit cards and birth certificate and a few pieces of mums jewelry, but luckily she just heaps the costume jewelry in with the real stuff and so must of the valuable stuff was overlooked. We think I disturbed them when I came home as my video camera was sitting in the hall way looks like he heard my keys in the door and made a brake for it. The fucking crack head bastard piece of shit.

He left a great big muddy footprint on my bed. I chucked out all my bedding and bought a new duvet. He'd gone though my underwear drawer and pulled everything out of the cupboards and so I had to wash everything on a hot cycle to get rid of his crack head germs. A street cleaner turned up the next day with my box - minus my jewelry. He'd found it a couple of streets away - the crack head burglar seems to have had stopped there, removed all the jewelry and ditched everything else. He'd left all the credit cards, cheque books and drivers licence and various other items so at least I don't have to get too worried about my identity being cloned.
I couldn't sleep in my room for a week, but I'm OK now.

2. Went to Bruges for 3 days with mum. was very nice and chilled out and relaxed. mainly cos there isn't that much to do except wander the medieval streets and admire the architecture. oh, and visit the museum of Chips! We ate lots of chocolate and drank some very good beer.

3. I helped out at the fundraising dinner for work. After a month of stressing about what to wear i decided on the pink evening dress I'd had made for me for a previous fund raising ball at another charity I'd worked at. It wouldn't zip up. So i mad a last minute dash to BHS on 20% off Saturday and found a glitter top. I received many complements and was rather chuffed. Under my thick layer of foundation i think i may have blushed.

4. I am 8 days away from swimming the channel! for the next 8 days I need to swim 32.25 lengths a day and I will will have done it. I am getting rather good at front crawl and have doubled my stamina. I can now do 40 lengths (that's 1km) without stopping. I'm still quite slow but hey, I'm not built for speed so I don't care. I'm thinking about doing a virtual London to Brighton by bicycle next.

Atonement

2008-11-17T09:00:00.003Z

I have just watched Atonement on DVD. I was so moved by this film that I dreamt about it. I was so moved by this film that I had to watch it again the next day. I was so moved by this film that i have added the book to my reading list.

I was so moved by this film that I didn't even mind that Keira Knightly was in it. It was that brilliant.

another week over in the blink of an eye

2008-10-31T16:53:00.004Z

My diet lasted untill 7am Monday morning. I needed toast ! Porridge just wasn't going to do it.

I promised myself I'd do better on Tuesday. I knew I'd never keep it. I have been swimming 4 times this week though. But the pastries I have been having for morning tea cancels thm right out. Oh well, better something than nothing.

but i wantz 1

2008-10-28T17:00:00.002Z

I have been trying to drag other people into my LOLCat addiction by emailing them pictures of cute kittehs with funny captions.

This has resulted in the following email from my mother:

Hi Earth Girl, why are you sending me all this cat pictures they cute ,but we are not having one.

Bugger, on to plan B.

lolcats anonymous

2008-10-16T17:06:00.002+01:00

I am completely assicted to LOL Cats.

2008-10-08T21:23:00.002+01:00

He died very early on the Sunday morning. We went to the hospital to view the body. We couldn't drive to the hospital becouse nemisis had taken the car to a party in Kent. We had to call my over emotional Aunt who lives down the road. She was crying when she arrived. I was very calm. I asked her if she wanted me to drive, she said no and set off. Half way there she satrted crying again and had to pull over so I could take the wheel.

He looked like he was sleeping. OE Aunt started wailing and collapsed in a heap. The air matress he was lying in was still turned on. It vibrated gently, giving the impression to some that he was still breathing. He was cold and stiff. They haddn't tried to resussitate him. When you are that ill, there is no point.

We went home and hurriedly cleaned and tidied the house shoving junk in cupboards and digging out photos of him to display prominantly. We would be inundated with visitors as soon as word go out. I went to the supermarket and bought 200 teabags, 2 kilos of sugar and 6 litres of milk.

Over the next 8 days our house was full to the brim with people paying their respects. We hired a marque for the back garden. My aunts cooked non stop to feed the visitors. The house still smells like wot.

OE Aunt took the week off work and helped to make the funeral arrangements. I would have liked to help, but they wouldn't let me. I felt impotent. I couldn't even talk to my mother to offer support because she was surrounded by people day and night.
I went to work. I didn't tell any one what was happening at home. I could have had compassionate leave. But what was the point. I had nothing to do and the invasion of my home was making me agitated. I took my time coming home from the gym.

The next saturday we viewed the body at the funeral parlour. He looked like a wax work. It was awful. OEm Aunt started wailing and again fell to the floor, again. I was starting to well up and was about to shed a tear until she started wailing. She distracted me from my emotions. All I could do was stare.

She did it again at the funeral-this time without the falling to her knees. Just lots and lots of wailing. If you didn't know better you would have assumed that she was the grieving widow. My mother cried quietly a few times. The priest gave a sermon about not crying for him because he was in a better place. His best friend read out a beautiful eulogy. I learned things about him I never knew and felt bad for not atempting to get to know him better.

a cheery post

2008-09-17T18:52:00.002+01:00

Yesterday on my way home,after writing yesterday depressing little missive, I passed a man selling the Big Issue. he was singing to himself. la da de la de dah, I'm glad I'm not a banker!"
I laughed out loud.

Today,I went to a trade fair. It was catering and hospitality and I am looking for a venue in Manchester for a thing I have to organise. I didn't have high hopes of finding a venue at the show, because anyone who can afford a stand at a trade show would be way out of my price range - we are only a tiny little charity.

The main reason for going was the goodies, you know the crap load of free pens and stuff people give you. Only cost this was catering and hospitality there was tonnes of food as well. I came away stuffed full of canapes and champagne, then got lost on the way back to the office.

I also won a bottle of champagne playing black jack (with virtual money). On the few occasions I have been to an actual casino I have never been brave enough to play the card games, but it turns out I'm rather good. So good I broke the bank ! If only it had been real money. I could have cashed in my chips and paid off my overdraft.

What do you do when someone dies?

2008-09-16T18:41:00.002+01:00

We have never had anyone in our family die before, well no one in the UK. My uncle died in Ethiopia. He was ill for a long while with a mystery illness which like many mystery illnesses in Africa was most probably HIV-Aids related. No one in my family (except my pragmatic mother) will admit this despite the fact that his wife had subsequently been found to be HIV positive - they would never admit to the stigma of AIDS. But I digress.

We have never had to deal with anyone in the UK dieing. So I have resorted to the Internet, where with the help of the citizens advice bureau and Age Concern we have been figuring out what to do when the time comes.

My mother seems very calm about it, but then she is a nurse and used to being around the sick and dieing. I know she finds it difficult. She said to me she wished he had gone home to Ethiopia so that she wouldn't have to see him like this. i don't blame her because it is a terrible thing to see. The change in him is astonishing. He hasn't had any appetite for months and has been slowly loosing weight. I didn't really notice at first but the last few months i did realise he was looking gaunt and becoming increasingly frail. Frail was not a word you would have ever associated with him before.

He can not walk and has no feeling below the wait because the cancer has spread to his hips. He is so weak he can not roll over and has to be lifted and turned by the nurses. He barely has the energy to lift the soup spoon to his mouth. Soup is all he will eat because it hurts to swallow and i seriously he'd have the energy to chew more than a couple of mouthfuls anyway.

When he speaks it comes out as a horse whisper. He dozes in and out of consciousness all day because of the morphine. He isn't able to hold a conversation mostly just giving one word answers to the barrage of questions fired by his constant stream of visitors who then end up chatting to each other. My family has been visiting daily, even my self obsessed teenage god daughter who has nothing better to do as she waits for sixth form college to start. She is considering nursing, so this is a good experience for her. I have been visiting approximately every other day. Nemesis hasn't been at all.

I feel a bit useless as a visitor. Sitting there not saying anything because i can't think of anything to say and I keep on talking about the tube. how packed the carriage was, how many stops i had to stand for before getting a seat. is he even listening, does he find it annoying, does he find it comforting to have visitors?
Sometimes he says 'you can go now, you don't have to stay any longer' to who ever is there, if the doctor has begun his rounds at the other end of the ward, uses it as an excuse to send us on our way.

I feel impotent, what can i do to make things better. I asked if I should bring flowers Mum said not to bother. I offered to bring him a book, he said maybe next week.

Mum gets frustrated at having to ask the nurses to do things for him, like give him an oxygen mask or administer his pain killers. because she knows exactly what needs to be done and how to do it but this isn't her ward, she can't treat the patients here. it's be tough for her during the day treating her patients while her husband lies in a bed on the floor below.

I suppose all i can do is make thing as easy for her as possible. Cooking her dinner, cleaning and tiding up, trying to distract her from negative thoughts.
For once i am glad I still live at home. I wouldn't want her to be alone.

guilt

2008-09-05T14:40:00.003+01:00

My step-father has terminal cancer. I feel extreemly guilty about all those times I wished he would just fuck off and die.

I am a selfish bitch.

Who do you think you are Hulk Hogan?

2008-08-28T10:58:00.002+01:00

Last night I had a very weird dram about Hulk Hogan.
It was even more bizarre because the more I think about it the more I realise that the dream was heavily influenced by last nights Who do you think you are? with Jerry Springer.

I was very moved by his discovery of the fate of his maternal Grandmother in a Nazi extermination camp. I was shocked to see how profoundly the fate of someone who died sixty odd years ago could affect the life of someone alive today.

I was stunned to see the calm, cool and collected jerry Springer break down in tears at the revelation of his grandmother’s fate.

Quite why my brain would choose to combine such a profound experience with the dysfunctional Hogan family, I am not sure. Perhaps it was the only way my MTV ravaged psyche could relate to such an historical occurrence - in terms of today’s celebrity obsessed pop culture. What does that say about my values and those of society today?

Swimming the Channel part 2

2008-08-27T08:50:00.002+01:00

I am now one sixth of the way through my channel swimming challenge. I am somewhat behind schedule but I don’t really care as I am reaping a multitude of benefits from my now frequent visits to the local swimming pool.

1. I have lost a kilo (I don’t use pounds and stones any more as they are too depressing)
2. My arms are firming up nicely and an now somewhat less bingo wingy
3. My arse is shrinking and I can now fit into the nice M&S knickers I accidentally purchased a size too small.
4. I’m feeling a bit fitter.
5. I have been enjoying the sight of numerous fit young men who fill out their speedos very nicely indeed.

I like swimming.

PS: I can now do 50% more lengths in a session than I could a month ago. Yay me !

When TV makes you cry

2008-08-20T08:55:00.000+01:00

If you were watching Hollyoakes a few moths ago you would have seen the sad, sad funeral of poor dead Max Cunningham. Max had only been married to the vacuous Stephanie Della Dean for a matter of hours before being run over and killed by Nial the psychotic hairdresser.

Surprisingly (for we are talking about Hollyoakes) the funeral was extremely touching. In fact it was so touching that I cried. I was fine right up until the part where Stephanie Della Cunningham (nee Dean) sang an extremely moving acapella version of the Sugababes 'About you now'. Who ever would have thought that the Sugababes would write a pop song appropriate for a funeral.

I’ve never been to a real funeral – thankfully no one close to me has ever died.
If had I don’t think I would have cried, just like I don’t cry at weddings, which I find a bit boring and very embarrassing. Fictional weddings however, I sob my eyes out at. Did you see the last episode of The Vicar of Dibley? I cried with joy at that wedding. Conversely I sobbed my eyes out with fictional grief at the fictional funeral of the fictional character Max Cunningham, who I didn’t even like that much because he was quite annoying and a bit of a prat.

Never buy the cheapest tent you can find

2008-08-18T15:27:00.000+01:00

A cheap tent, while easy on the bank balance is not the most ideal lodgings during your typical British summer.

A cheap tent will be cold during the night due to its single layer of shower proof fabric. A more expensive tent will have 2 layers of fabric which will create a double glazing effect keeping the warmth in the tent and the cold outside the tent. A cheap tent will be cold at night.

On an cheap tent that single layer of shower proof fabric will do exactly what it says on the tin - a short light shower of rain will roll right off it but a long heavy down poor will soak right through and cause uncomfortable drips to fall on your head, neck and back making you cold wet and uncomfortable.

A cheap tent will be small. Small tents have small doors. Small doors can be tricky to get in and out of, especially and 4.30am when you are still a bit drunk and desperate to got to the loo.

Never buy the cheapest tent.

Did I tell you that Nemisis has moved out ?

2008-07-25T14:03:00.000+01:00

She is sharing a one bedroom flat in East London with her best friends brother. She has the bedroom, he has the living room. He winds her up by not putting the toilet seat back down and sending her text messages when they run out of bread or milk instead of just going to the shop and buying some more. She told our mother that she won’t be renewing the lease in six months time.

I have never been to Nemesis’ flat and I don’t know the address. I do not have her phone number (neither land line nor mobile). I only have her email address because I noticed it on a message our mother sent to the both of us. I don’t remember how we became ‘friends’ on facebook. I think she was friends with my cousin and I added her because I had loaded a family tree application. She takes months to respond to messages anyway even though I know she spends hours on there each day (she hasn’t activated her privacy settings and everything she does I get notified about). She doesn’t reply to emails either, so I don’t bother sending them anymore.

Mum only has her address because when she turned up at our house to collect her birthday present mum wouldn’t let her leave until she wrote it down for her.

3 weeks later she decided to pay her a visit. She didn’t call to say she was coming round she just decided to turn up one day – because she knew that arranging a time to go round would be impossible. So she turned up and found no one home, called her mobile and made her come back from where ever she was so that she could see where her youngest daughter was living.

that old people smell

2008-07-24T17:11:00.000+01:00

My grandparents stayed at our house last night. Their sheltered flat is being fumigated for bedbugs.

Alzheimer Granny got very excited when we got out my baby album. She loves children. She’ll sit in the park and watch them for hours. When she was done cooing over my former cuteness (for I was a little cherub) she launched into her second favourite topic ‘Why aren’t you married yet?’. Fortunately she doesn’t speak any English and I don’t speak any Amharic and my mother has finally learnt that when this litany begins it’s time for her to stop translating.

Intrigued by some rather emphatic and emotive gesturing I got mum to translate the main points. “I’m going to go to Ethiopia and bring you back a husband…I’m going to find you a husband with a car!...The husband I bring you will fly in an aeroplane, he will fly the aeroplane….” And so on and so forth. It was rather sweet and made a change for her usual ‘You’re getting old. Why aren’t you married? You should find a husband so I can look after your babies….’

When she got tired of describing my future spouse she decided she wanted to go home. She paid no heed to my mother repeatedly telling her that her house was full of poison to kill the bed bugs. She got up, hobbled slowly to the front door and tried to escape. ‘The door is still locked!’ she told my mother. ‘I can’t stay here, you didn’t bring my pyjamas !’.

She hobbled back to the sofa and sat down, calmed and distracted by the sparkly costumes in the Blades of Glory DVD I’d put on.

Earth Girl swims the channel -sort of

2008-07-16T08:53:00.002+01:00

In an aim to get the most out of my hidiously expensive gym membership I have decided to swim the equivalent of the English channel. That's 33km at my own pace (really slow) and in my own time - deadline November the 30th.

I'll let you know how it goes.

sad bastards

2008-07-11T09:08:00.002+01:00

There was a very long que at Euston Station this morning. Aproaching it form the side it looked like a que for the escalators down to the tube platforms. But its wasn't. It was the que for the O2 shop next to the escalators. They were queing to buy iphones. The sad, sad, bastards.

You Pervs part 943

2008-07-09T13:06:00.002+01:00

I’ve been keeping a casual eye on my web stats lately and have noticed several new trends. Those of you into 'alternative' sexual practices are still coming to my blog via searches for ‘F***ing Tube’ and ‘German B*ndage’.
Lots of backpackers and tourists are arriving via searches for ‘things to do in Sydney’ and ‘Girls guide to backpacking’. And within the last few days a whole new demographic of Dr Who fans are arriving via searches for 'the Lost Moon of Poosh'.

The misguided celebrity stalkers arriving via searches for ‘N*ked photos of Fern Cotton’ and ‘Fern Cotton P*rn’ seem to be slowly petering out. A indication of her popularity perhaps?

Oh, and I seem to have at least 2 subscribers using feed readers to keep up with my self pity filled rants.

Your band, Your Album

2008-07-08T12:57:00.004+01:00

Action is a Thought
by
Temperamento

'And you thought Lady Soverign was the only musical Talent in Wembly' - The Wembley Observer

The rules are thus:

1 - Go to http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random
The first random Wikipedia article you get is the name of your band.

2 - Go to Random quotations: http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3
The last four words of the very last quote of the page is the title of your first album.

3 - Go to flickr's "explore the last seven days" http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days/
Third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.

I have just re-discovered...

2008-07-08T08:59:00.000+01:00

...Tipex !

How could i have forgotten about liquid paper ! Since my rediscovery carbon footprint has been reduced by at least a quarter - well maybe not a quarter, but I am certainly using less paper.

What a bloody marvelous invention.

The Lost Moon of Poosh

2008-07-07T12:59:00.003+01:00

Rather like an annoying song that gets stuck in on a loop in your head. I have the words ‘The Lost Moon of Poosh’ firmly embedded in my cerebral cortex. Why ? I don't know. That episode of Dr Who was on two days ago. Maybe, its becouse the words have a nice ring to them.

The lost moon of Pooshe disappeared mysteriously thousands of year ago when it was stolen by the Daleks to be used as part of a giant solar system sized death ray designed to wipe out every life form in this and every other universe leaving the Daleks as the only life form in existence.

But the fatal flaw in their thinking was thus. With every other life form in this and every other reality dead. Who would they bully. There would be no planets to invade, no people to ‘Exterminaten!’ what would they do until the end of the universe? Play chess?

They should be glad the Human-Time Lord hybrid Doctor exterminated them all. He saved them from an eternity of boredom.

facebook and why it sucks

2008-07-04T08:45:00.003+01:00

I have been spending quite a lot of time on facebook lately in the misguided belief that rekindling old friendships might make me happy. It has not. Reading about the wonderful sucesses my old friends have made of their lives makes me feel like a failure.

I realise that a good many may be exagerating their sucess and that just becouse you are married and have kids it doens't mean that you are happy, but I still can't help feeling envious.

But then I try to look on the bright side. Pehaps a few of them are jealous of me?
Of my perceved freedom in not having a mortgage to tie me down or a husband and childeren to care for or a sucessful career to maintain. Perhaps I should revel in my freedom and stop dweling on things that probably wouldn't make me any happier.

The glass is half empty and the grass will always be greener.

happy birthday to me

2008-06-13T00:01:00.004+01:00

Today (actualy yesterday as its just past midnight) was a surprisingly pleasant day. I was served carrot cake for breakfast and given a nice bottle of eau de toillete and then went to the west end with Mother Earth who treated me to some new clothes. I have not had new clothes for 6 months thanks to me getting even fatter and this seasons trends looking f***ing awful on me. Mother Earth persuaded me to try on some items I would not normaly have gone for, which actualy looked quite nice.

We stopped for drinks at the Courthouse hotel, and made our selves at home in one of the converted jail cells for the duration of a plate of potato wedges and 2 diet cokes.

Then came the moment I had been dreading since Mummy dearest sprung her surprise on me Nemisis would be joining us for dinner.

I resolved to practice being insincere and actualy managed a smile and a fake cheery 'hello' when she finally arrived. She had been searching for a present for me. I was expecting something brilliant. I got a Boarders gift voucher. And while vouchers for book shops are always apreciated its hardly creative or imaginative or worth a 30 minute wait.

Surprisingly she was pleaseant compeny through dinner and it turns out we will both be in the press section of the same rock festival in Hyde Park later this month. We parted company at the tube station with an awkward Goodbye and half harted finger wave.

We will never be friends, but not living together has made her company tolerable.

a week or two in the life of me

2008-06-11T18:15:00.002+01:00

I'm still single as Match.com sucks. It's been a whole month and I still haven't been'winked' at by anyone decent - what's up with that?

To cheer myslef up i booked my summer holiday in italy with the lovely Ryan Air. Return flights to Rimini in August for £16! It's cheaper than a day trip to Brighton and a sandy beach when you get there.

Oh, and did i mention that it's my BIRTHDAY tomorrow ? I'll be 25 . . .

Pepe 2

2008-06-05T08:56:00.001+01:00

Stinky wasn't stinky on Monday or Tuesday or Wednesday. She is stinky today though.

Perhaps I should email this to her, in the hopes that she gets the hint?

Post party news

2008-06-01T11:09:00.003+01:00

It looks like going to and leaving the party early was the right thing to do. But I'm baffled asto why they closed Euston Station. It's not on the circle line!

Party on the Circle Line !

2008-05-31T21:17:00.010+01:00

Today is the end of an era. From tomorrow there will be no more drinking alcohol on the tube. No more bottles of alcopops on your way to a club no more cans of beer on you way to the football. Nadda, nil, nich, zero. LT staff have been ordered to eject from buses and tube trains anyone consuming alcohol. Thank you Boris. So to commiserate this momentous event the party animals of London organised several Circle Line Parties. They all had the same general plan. Be on a Central line train after 9pm on Saturday the 31st May and drink some booze. Some planned sophisticated cocktail swarays, some planned piss ups, but all were united in their plan for the mass consumption of booze on the tube.

I arrived on the clockwise circle line platform at Victoria Station shortly before 7pm. I was tired and not really up for a party and intending to surreptitiously sip Gin and Tonic from a can in my own private protest in the last carriage. Someone had already been partying in this particular carriage. The floor was littered with empty beer cans and the air was ripe with the smell of spilt beer. the party had started early ! While waiting for the train to move off I eagerly scanned the carriage for party people, but alas they all seemed to have left. I resigned myself to a party of one until an almighty roar when up as the train pulled into Sloan Square. Almost instantly the half empty carriage was filled to capacity with drunken revellers. "PARTY ON THE TUBE !!!!!!" yelled the South African ring leader yelled while dispensing cheap red wine from a box under his arm. "Is this some sort of anti-Boris protest?" Asked the girl sitting next to me. "No way! I love Boris, 'cos he's got a Russian name and my mate's Russian! That's as political as I get. Party on the Tube! Would you like some red wine?" Saffa then spent the ride to the next station coaxing the girl into drinking half a plastic cup of cheap French wine. This evidently got her into the party mood as she joined in with the other revelers cheering and yelling Party on the tube! each time we pulled into a station. South Kensington generated the biggest cheer of all when the Crowd spotted the 2 uniformed policemen on the station. "Party on the tube!" "Hey look that chick was going to get on and then changed her mind when she saw this carriage! PARTY ON THE TUBE!!!"

I cracked open a can of G&T so I wouldn't look out of place. "We need some music. Someone sing a song!" Saffa decreed. "Fuck Off Boris" the carriage chanted. "Oggy, Oggy, Oggy!" a new addition yelled as he shoved his way on at Notting Hill Gate. Some one popps open a bottle of Champagne and a greasy metal head in a fringed leather jacket almost lands in my lap trying to escape the spray form the bottle. The cheering and chanting is getting louder and is accompanied by banging on the walls and ceiling. A metal head with long hair is trying to unscrew the Circle Line map from above the door. I alight at Baker Street, as much as I was enjoying it, it was just going to be more of the same and the metal heads were getting a bit to aggressive in their fun for my liking.

I wait for the next train. I'm curious to see if there are any more early parties going on. The train pulls up and a bloke in a shirt, trousers and very bad blond wig runs to the end of the train and jumps into the carriage. Curious, I follow and find a half full carriage consisting of fairly posh blokes in shirts and bad blond wigs and girls in dresses. 'Ah! it's the sophisticated circle line drinks party, and they've all come in fancy dress as boris!'

It's quite a change of pace from the full-on hardcore party of the previous train. This lot don't seem to mind though. They seem to be having a great time and even have a bag full of nibbles. I feel like a gatecrasher at this party decided I've had enough at Euston Square and I head home.

What's love got to do with ticket prices?

2008-05-28T13:30:00.003+01:00

in the summer of 2000 I saw Tinan turner play live in the last Concert before the old Wembley Stadium was torn down. I still have the souveneer binoculars to prove it.

I was very excited to see the advert proclaiming Tinas return to London in March 2009. I was put right off by the ticket prices. £75 !

Surely times aren't that hard Tina? As much as I love you and your music, I'm just not solvent enough to justify £75 on a concert ticket - no matter how much I want one.

BTW: Did I mention that it's my birthday soon ? I wonder if anyone loves me enough to buy me a ticket to see Tina Turner . . .

Doris

2008-05-20T17:46:00.002+01:00

Doris is my counsellor.

She's a rumpled and overweight and wonderful. She listened without judgement and told me to take deep breaths when I was crying so hard I couldn't speak.

I cried though most of the session.

Afterwards, I felt better, drained, shaken.

Mrs Beetons Old English Toffee Ice Cream

2008-05-09T18:34:00.003+01:00

WHY would anyone in their right mind put hazel nuts in toffee ice cream ?

If it's not called Toffee & Hazel Nut Ice Cream it shouldn't have vile evil Hazel Nuts in it.

Bastards.

Pepe le Pew

2008-05-08T08:54:00.000+01:00

The girl who sits at the desk next to mine in our open plan office has a problem. She smells. She smells really bad. She smells like she hasn't washed in a month.

You can literally smell her before you see her.

Now that the weather has warmed up, she has taken to fanning herself with pieces of paper - wafting even more of her stink in my direction.

Everyone is too polite to say anything. We don't even bitch about it behind her back. It is simply not mentioned.

Bo-Jo the Mayor

2008-05-04T19:00:00.001+01:00

I am feeling much happier thanks to happy tea therapy. In fact it has worked so well that I am not even upset that Boris the buffon is now mayor of London.

However, I would like it on record that I did not vote for him. I voted for Brian Paddick.

Boris is a tosspot. And he will undoubtedly do things that I don't like which will probably only benifit the Rich and Middle Classes. However, with the Tory party desperate to win at the next election I believe they will be keeping a tight reign on his antics for fear of looking bad.

We can only wait and see.

feeling shitter than ever

2008-05-02T08:26:00.003+01:00

Just before Christmas I went to see my GP to ask for counselling. He told me he would make an appointment for me. He'd be in touch. I waited.

My mother - sick of my depression, made enquiries yesterday only to be told that they had forgotten all about me. I now have an appointment later this month, five months after I asked for help. Logically I know that it's probably just a symptom of an overburdened NHS. Emotionally I know that it's because nobody gives a shit about me and if I died tomorrow no one would care.

It wasn't easy to ask for help. I burst into tears while doing it.

I constantly sabotage my life. I need help to stop.

My life is the way it is because I made it so.

I could have been successful. I should have been successful. I want to be successful.

I punish myself, because I hate myself. I have never felt loved, I have felt like I belonged.

I remember feeling like an outsider at the age of 3.

Sometimes I think about disappearing and wonder if anyone would notice. But, at least here I can take some small comfort in the familiar.

time and numbers

2008-04-25T18:04:00.000+01:00

This week has flown by in the blink of an eye. This is great becouse it means the weekend is here - horray! And it is bad becouse it brings my birthday even closer. My sucky birthday, by which point I should have achieved so much, but haven't. Still single, still in a badly paid job, still not enjoying life, still not got a place of my own.

Will turning 31 make any difference?

the joy and the pain

2008-04-18T09:54:00.005+01:00

Cosmic Girl is having another baby and while I am happy for her I am sad for myself.

I was supposed to go out for dinner with her and namesake. I just couldn't face it so I used my wisdom tooth as an excuse not to go. I'm glad I did for I surely would have burst into tears of self pity had she told me in person.

BSG season 4 episode 1

2008-04-16T19:52:00.000+01:00

I hate to admit it but I was disappointed by the opening episode of Battlestar Galactica's fourth and final season.

Season 3 ended on such a enormous high with such a humongous jaw dropping series of revelations - that the first episode of season 4 just kind of fell flat.

I have decided to amalgamate

2008-04-16T13:59:00.001+01:00

becouse I did spend ages writing the bloddy things and I'd hate to throw all that work away.

You'll only notice the new posts if you read the blog through a feed reader, or if you are really obsessive...

6pm Liverpool Street Station

2008-04-11T20:15:00.004+01:00

I arrived at 5.52pm. Lots of people were milling around staring at the clock next to the departures board. I found myself an out of the way spot by the wall to watch the event unfold.

At 5.58 I looked up from my newspaper to find the concourse packed and the surrounding balcony crammed with people here to witness the spectacle.

At 5.59 and 55 seconds the count down began.

At 6pm the assembled crowd paused for a heartbeat then sang "Never gonna give you up..."

The Rick Astley flash mob had begun. There were a hard core group of flash mobbers with print outs of the lyrics. Surrounding them were a bunch of student types making a valiant effort to sing along despite not really knowing the words. Surrounding them were gawpers, pissed off commuters and baffled tourists.

Camera phones were waved in the air, some bloke from a radio station waved a microphone in peoples faces and confused foreigners kept asking me what was going on.

They were confused by my answers and wandered away into the milling crowd. The singing ended and people milled around, not really knowing what to do now that the anticlimactic event was over.

I left.

delete or amalgamate

2008-04-08T08:46:00.002+01:00

I'm thinking of shutting down the diet blog. I'm not really using it and it hasn't proved to be the motivational tool I'd hoped it would become.

Do I delete the contents or do I spend a couple of hours transferring all the posts over to here. One is quick and lazy the other long and involved as i will probably spend quite a while rewriting many of the posts.

I know which one I should do, what do you think ?

Olympic Torch Relay

2008-04-06T12:25:00.004+01:00

Despite the traffic and the packed tube and football fans peeing in shop doorways living in Wembley dose have a few benefits. Today the Olympic torch passed right by the end of my road; and so wrapped up in 5 layers of warm clothing I braved the snow and ventured to the Harrow road for a good look. Sheltering in a bus stop I soon got chatting to a woman and her elderly father who were also waiting for the torch procession.

As far as we could see we were the only people on our mile or so stretch of road who had ventured out to witness the occasion. But then that's the citizens of Wembley for you - apathetic to the core.

We waited and waited in the cold for the procession to arrive. 8 police men on bicycles passed. Several buses passed. And just when we were debating the possibility that the whole event might have been called off due to bad weather were finally greeted by a motorcade of police motorbikes with blue lights flashing.

Followed by 2 meat wagons and several more motor bikes. And another meat wagon, and more motorbikes and a lorry full of camera crews, and then finally the torch on the top deck of an open topped bus.

I caught a brief glimpse of blue - I'm assuming it was the flame, as the bus sped by rather more quickly than we had expected, which meant I didn't manage to actually get a picture of it. But as you can see I do have a rather crap shot of the back of the bus.

I have lots to blog about

2008-04-04T16:16:00.003+01:00

I really do have lots to bog about, despite what my lack of actual blogging may lead you to believe. So I have decided to risk a sacking and spend the lat 15 minutes of my working day writing a post.

As I may have mentioned before I had the 2 weeks either side of Easter off work. I spent the first week wishing I was back at work, because I was THAT BORED. I spent the days wandering aimlessly around the West End window shopping because there was nothing I needed or wanted or could afford even if I did need/want it.

I ate lunch at the funky Korean restaurant thrice, I ate lunch at Ping Pong twice, and I ate lunch at Yo Sushi once. I have decided to stop going to Yo Sushi because it's too expensive and their customer service is shit. I have vowed never to go to Ping pong again as their customer service is worse than ABOMINABLE.

I went to the Foundling Museum but didn't go in because you had to pay. I planned to go to the Harlequin Shopping centre in watford -for a change of scenery; but I couldn't be bothered.

As previously stated I ate a whole chocolate bunny by my self. I also ate a whole cadburys Easter egg and 2 cadburys cream eggs.

I went to Prague for 3 days with my mother (more on that later). I flew into Terminal 5 and didn't have a single problem.

I chose a new book for my book group.

Earth Girl and the Lidnt Bunny

2008-03-23T18:13:00.002Z

I probably shouldn't have eaten the entire thing in one day...

A most impressive sight

2008-03-21T16:38:00.002Z

I have just witnessed the London Air Ambulance land in the middle of Trafalgar Square. I'd post a picture of it for you, but the batteries on my camera and camera phone were both dead. Just my luck.

Anticipation makes the blog more enjoyable Dave !

2008-03-19T19:05:00.002Z

After the Davesters gentle prod to get blogging I thought I'd update you all on the incredibly boring events going on in my life.

1. My evening course has just come to an end. The teacher was a bitch who gave me a shitty mark on my assignment, because she's a Bitch. My work was great and she was jealous because I'm better than her and 'cos she a Bitch.

2. My next evening course is due to start imminently. I hope that this teacher isn't a bitch who gives me bad marks because she is intimidated by my genius. I mean so what if that first Bitch was a journalist with 30 years experience - does she have a blog with 3 regular readers, does she? no she bloody doesn't. The Bitch.

3. I Realised I had 15 days of holiday which I have to use before April so took this week and next week off.

4. Re jiggled my finances, then overspent and buggered it all up again.

5. Agreed to go away with Mother Earth for 3 days. I'm looking forward to lots of cheap beer.

6. During one of my regular marathon explorations of the back streets of the west end in search of quirky stuff and short cuts I got caught short and popped into Claridges for the loo. The hand lotion was top quality.

7. Went to the British Library, because i hadn't ever been there before. I thought it would be bigger.

8. Walked all the way to the local Tescos superstore twice in one day. The first time to buy some Tahini - they didn't have any. The second time to post a package at the Post Office.

9. Have spent the last 3 days eating very badly.

10. Found a copy of Clue on sale in HMV and purchased it Immediately. "I am, your singing telegram!" Love it !!!!!

happy happy joy joy

2008-03-06T20:41:00.003Z

Today is a wonderful day.
Today I am truly happy - for a quite shallow reason.
Today I went to the dentist to have my crown fitted and my teeth polished.

Today I casualy mentioned the awful yellow stains that have blighted my front teeth since my braces were removed as a teenager. satins which my previous dentist told me were decay due to decalcification of the tooth enamel under the dental cement 'It happens some times' she said.

I thought that perhaps in the 15 or so years since then by some small miracle there may have been some dental invention to restore my pearly whites to - pearly white. There hadn't. the only option she could offer was crowns or drilling out the decay and filling it. I said no to both.

So my dentist said she would have a go with the polisher and see if that made any difference.

It did. Because it wasn't decay at all. It was the dental cement that held the braces on. That first stupid bitch of a dentist hadn't taken it off properly.

If I wasn't so happy at having nice teeth again (and of a more litigous nature), I'd call Injury lawyers for you and sue her BMW driving arse for emotional trauma!

New perverts, same old perversions

2008-03-05T13:59:00.003Z

While checking my search referals over the past few months I have noticed some interesting changes.

People seem to have stopped ending up at my blog due to searches for Fern Cotton Porn and Pictures of Nigel Harman.

Nigel Harman is no longer in Eastenders and has largely dropped off our tv screens and thus the collective conciousness of the female population of the UK - so no surprise there.

But Fern Cotton is far more popular now than she was when I mentioned her in my original post. Recently she's been on so many tv programs that it's surprising when you turn on the telly and find she isn't hosting which ever crap reality tv show happens to be on. Even more of a shock is not finding Fern gracing the style pages of what ever trashy magazine you happen to be flicking through.

Perhaps this oversaturation of Fern Cotton in the media has caused the select few who trawled the internet in search of explicit Fern photography to give up interest or maybe some clever-cloggs has photoshopped Ferns head onto a couple of page 3 'models' therefore negating the need of the Fern Cotton enthusiast to trawl the search results pages as far down as my blog is listed? Either way they're not coming to my blog any more.

The people who are coming to my blog however are still mostly just interested in naked pitures of women. Witness the following search results:

1. German bondage lesbians
2. Big tit Ethiopian girls
3. Full moon party naked girl
4. Girls in suspenders

I also got a guy looking for advice:
1. how do you get a girl to shag you

I doubt I was any help.

Another mouse in my house

2008-02-25T19:18:00.002Z

or perhaps it was the same mouse - perhaps a super mouse that ate the poison we put out and didn't die?

This one emerged from under the sofa as I was settling in to watch some Saturday night telly. I didn't scream, but I did give a little yelp before leaping up and hot footing it to my room for the rest of the night. Not that I was able to sleep for fear of small brown rodents accosting me.

The new bait is laid, and if I see the little blighter again I'm kidnapping one of my aunts cats for protection.

Nemisis (again)

2008-02-25T18:58:00.004Z

Nemisis has decided to give up drinking until her birthday. Mother earth is pleased, I am not.

Since she is not drinking she has stopped going out which means she is at home all the time. This is the first time in 6 days that i have been able to used the computer. She spends all evening chatting on her mobile while simultaniously chatting on MSN messenger. I could stand it if I didn't have to listen to her high pitched squeeling at whatever inanities her vapid friends have expressed. Bitch.

schmalentines

2008-02-14T09:40:00.002Z

do tooth fairies take account of inflation?

2008-02-13T09:23:00.001Z

I managed to get an emergency appointment with my dentist. She gave me an x-ray and a temporary filling and I have to go back next week to have a crown made.

I was relieved that I wouldn't have to have the tooth extracted and then almost had a heart attack when she told me how much it was going to cost. £194 - and that is the NHS price.

Mind you, I'll be able to knock 50p off that when the tooth fairy visits me tonight. Little cousin got £1 for his tooth last week (in my day it was 10p!) so I reckon I should get half that for my half a tooth.

not an insignificant amount of pain and discomfort

2008-02-12T14:17:00.002Z

Half of my tooth has just fallen out.

Will my dentist ever answer the phone?

fraud

2008-02-10T14:14:00.001Z

Dispite the meticulous care with which I guard my personal information, I have become a victim of credit card fraud.

Thankfuly the bank spotted it and notified me before too much damage was done.
About a hundered pounds was charged to my credit card by paypal - the bank have said they will refund the lot, cancel my card and order me a new one.

From now on I will be scrutinizing all my statements like Scrooge McDuck.

Its the little unexpected thingsthat make me happy

2008-02-05T14:27:00.001Z

For health and safety reasons we've all been sent home from the office. A disruption to the mains supply has left our building without water and we all get half a day off. Brilliant !

So I'm headed off to the gym for a leisurely swim followed by a sauna and half an hour of people watching from the jacuzzi before heading home to a plate full of pancakes. I'm not sure this day could get any better.

A mouse in my house

2008-01-28T17:25:00.003Z

I woke with a start to find Nemisis peering round my door. "There’s a HUGE mouse in my room can I sleep in here ?"

Chris Rock live at the Hammersmith Apollo

2008-01-28T17:18:00.001Z

When I first saw the Chris Rock show advertised all those months ago I was so excited I shelled out £40 for a ticket without blinking. I waited and waited and waited paitently for Chris to arrive in the UK. He hit the the talk show circuitsoon after he arrived. My ticket was for the lat day of the tour and I consumed his interviews with enthusiasm as it was nearly 2 weeks until I'll see him live. With every interview I watched on the TV or heard on the radio I became less and less excited.

Chris was crap.

He had one joke which he repeated in every interview. "Any country that considers darts a sport has a drink problem." Ha. Maybe it was funny the first time, maybe its funny when he’s on stage – I’d never know. My apathy had become so complete that I completely forgot about my ticket.

On Saturday as I slapped my Oyster card on the yellow pad I looked up to see the ticket booth. ‘It’s nearly the end of the month’ I thought ‘Time to renew my monthly travel card . . . that Chris Rock show is on at the end of the month I must look at the ticket and check the date'.

Date on the ticket : Friday 25th January 2008
Date today : Saturday 26th January 2008

Surprisingly. I’m not actually that bothered. Even considering the fact that I wasted £40.

Mid January Summary

2008-01-16T19:15:00.000Z

Would you believe that one of my new years resolutions was 'blog every day, or every other day , or at least once a week'. And now here we are mid January without a single post. How typically me.

However the new year/new beginning plan hasn't completely folded -despite having broken most of my resolutions by the 3rd January. I have managed to loose 1kg go to the gym twice, join weight watchers, start an evening class and make £70 selling stuff from the back of my cupboard on eBay.

As for the rest of the resolutions, I should be able to manage to read a book a fortnight if I don't read the free newspapers on my commute. If I stick with Weight Watchers I'm sure I can loose at least 2 dress sizes by summer, and if I find a willing man I could definitely have more sex. . .

What earth girl did

2007-12-28T19:12:00.001Z

I had an uneventful Christmas Day, blessed by the failure of my family to descend upon us until early evening.

I bought a beautiful skirt from Monsoon on boxing day, followed by a panic attack in Accessorise due to the sheer volume of people in such a small space.

The next day I loitered outside John Lewis on Oxford Street at 9am for the start of the sale (so I'd avoid the crowds and another panic attack).

I then hit Bravissimo - the specialist bra shop for the more well endowed lady, and was mightily disappointed by the contents of the sales rack.

I then wandered the west end browsing the sales for another couple of hours and showed seriously impressive self restraint in my meagre purchases.

And then I went to the cinema to see St Trinnians. I was extremely disappointed. It was almost as bad as 1980s (completely shit and therefore little remembered) 'The Wild cats of St Trinians'. To be any good it would need a complete re-edit, some serious rewriting and a complete re-cast (with the exception of Russel Brand - who was excellent, but under utilised). Like the last Carry On film it was a poor modern addition to a much loved classic series. What the film makers just didn't seem to understand is that what made the original St Trinnians movies great was not the pretty girls in suspenders, blokes in drag and dumb sight gags. It was the well crafted plot, solidly written script and great casting. This new film is just a poor excuse for a gross out comedy full of unfunny sight gags and gratuitous shots of girls in suspenders.

Glad tidings we bring

2007-12-20T09:21:00.000Z

Christmas is fast approaching (just five days to go) and the only place that I feel even remotely Christmasy is the Office. sad but true. There are no decorations on our desks but there is a big christmas tree in the foyer decked out in the corporate colours.

I brought in a Christmas cake baked with my own fair hands yesterday and it went down a treat as witnessed by the scant few crumbs left on the plate come 5pm.

‘your xmas cake is gorgeous’
‘I’m most impressed. I may have to sneak down to the kitchen and have some more’

Those are the kinds of emails that make my heart warm !

And finally I received a big bloggy Christmas present in the return of Universal Solider to the blogsphere. Welcome back Uni!

Stupid Teenagers

2007-12-10T17:03:00.000Z

Aparently the gang on my road have named themselves the Crips - in a feeble minded atempt to imitate the notorious LA gang. Their rivals the Bloods - also unimaginatively named after an LA gang, who just so happen to be the arch rivals of the LA Crips are all ex members of the Crips (the Crips from my street not LA).

My twelve year old cousin was asked by a gang member on the bus "Who you repin'?" 'cos the Crips don't want any Blood on their teritory. He's twelev and was wering his school uniform for fucks sake and I really don't feel safe walking home in the dark.

I saw a durg deal in the entrance to the alley behind the shops. I really want to report this shit to the police. But I really don't want to get involved. Mostly for fear of reprisals. I know they're only stupid little fuckwit teenagers. But there stupid little fuckwit teenagers with knives and guns and pitbulls.

party season

2007-12-07T20:28:00.001Z

Men in tuxedos on the tube, girls in posh frocks hailing taxis and me not dressed up becouse I have no where to go.

How did I get in your tummy?

2007-11-22T19:48:00.001Z

How did I get in your tummy? Is the question posed by the 4 year old on the train home today; much to the amusement of the other commuters.

"I'll tell you when your older."
"Tell me how I got in your tummy."
"I'll tell you when you're older"
"Why can't you tell me now, tell me how I got in your tummy!"
"I promise I'll tell you when you're older"
"Why when I'm older, tell me now!"
"What did you do at nursery today ?"

blind abuse

2007-11-16T21:31:00.000Z

There is a homeless man that sits in the tube station entrance. He sits there with his dog begging for money most days of the week.

I turned round half way up the stairs when I heard someone shouting at him. I expected it to be some irate commuter finaly exploding with rage after a hellish commute. Instead it was a blind woman who had walked straight into him, dispite her cane. She screamed blue murder at him for getting in her way.

colours

2007-11-16T20:30:00.000Z

I bumped into Nemesis on the way home. we ended up trading stories about the times we thought we were about to be mugged getting late trains home.

Mine happend a couple of months ago when a group of rowdy teenagers donned balaclavas and hoods before running off the train at my stop. I was certain they would be waiting outside the station doors to mug all the other passengers. thankfuly they did not. Hers happend when a gang of teenagers muggers jacked a kid in the first carrage ran along the carrage to mug someone in the last carriage and then stop to chat her up on their way out of the station.

If Red Ken and Ian Blair really want to make Londoners feel safer they should start by having guards on late night trains and a Transport Police presence at train stations in the evenings.

The only time you ever see the Police on the tube is when they are trying to catch fare evaders. Surely preventing violent crime should be more of a priority?
I know I'd feel a little less resentment at paying £106.30 for my travel card every month if I felt safer coming home in the evenings.

Oh and Nemisis informed me that the boys on our road all wear blue bandannas and the boys from the housing estate all wear red ones - so at least now I'll know which gang I'm being mugged by.

so long Soba 1

2007-11-15T16:23:00.000Z

I was pissed off when I found out that my favorite noodle bar had been replaced by a crappy 'French' cafe.

I was cheered up to find that Carrie had posted Chapter 1 of her next book online.

London Overground

2007-11-12T15:36:00.000Z

Today saw Silverlink Metro become London Overground. It's a blog-worthy occasion simply because I use it to commute to work.

The first day of service started well with my normal train arriving and departing the station dead on time - which meant I missed it. I was consoled with a voucher for a free drink form Cafe Nero handed to me by a bloke in a uniform loitering by the entrance.

On my lunch time stroll I spotted a giant column of smoke which turned out to be a gigantic fire at the new Olympic site.

Then I got a really snooty email from one of my old school friends about the restaurant I suggested for our annual Christmas get together.

"Did you look at the price of the mains? There’s a lot of fish/seafood on the menu, which I don’t eat."

1. It's Christmas - wouldn't it be nice to have a meal somewhere other than Nandos you fucking cheap bitch.
2. Don't complain about the price of the mains when only last week you were bragging about the holiday to Thailand your just booked.
3. Don't order the fucking seafood if you're not going to eat it.

I am seriously consideing dumping her as a friend. This is the cumination of a year of her being shitty to me. I'm not prepaired to take it any more.