if you like Mr Tom you'll love posh Humphrey

Over lunch we got to discussing drunken escapades. Anne told us a story about her friend Posh Humphrey.

Meek and mild Humphrey went out with his chums one night and had rather too much to drink.

He woke up at home the next morning and was rather surprised to find ten stitches in his forehead.

He was also rather shocked at a note from the local hospital which he found in his pocket.

It read: 'Patient was so violent, he had to be restrained'.

Jakers!

Bird Fight

In an attempt to remove temptation from my path, I emptied my kitchen of bread and biscuits. At lunch time I walked up to the duck pond to feed them to the birds.

I feel all Earth-Mothery and at one with nature. Until 2 Geese started fighting over a bit of baguette. Who knew Geese could be so vicious?

hot topics of chav conversation 2

Before lunch it was "German women are hairy and don't shave under their arms or wax their bikini lines and it's minging". Chavs don't want to share their hotel pool with hairy women, thank you very much.

After lunch it was women who change their names when they get married and end up with a stupid surname like Pratt or Burke or Hobgoblin. "They should just say no!"

Jakers!

If you ever find yourself unable to face the upcoming day at around 6.25 am on any weekday morning I highly recomend you turn your telly over to BBC2 and watch Jakers! Telly doesn't come much better than this. It is truely one of the best shows on TV at the moment.

Jakers is the animated adventures of a bunch of children growing up in rural Ireland in a more inocent time. The adventures center around Piggly Winks (a pig) and his familys farm where Piggly his little sister and their assorted band of friends including Fernando Torro (a bullock) and Dannan O'Mallard (a duck) get up to all sorts of wholesome and high jinks around the farm.

It's a great mood lifting start to the day.

If kids watched more nice cartoons like this and less Yu gi oh and Bayblade the playgroud would be a lot less violent.

ego boost

Anonymous said...
A couple of weeks ago my English A-Level class were studying ICT and language and we used an extract from your blog to analyse. Thought it might interest you to know.

Freaky, huh?
studentfrommanchester

How good did this make me feel !

I just hope you picked a post that I'd spell checked, my spelling is terrible and I often to forget to proof read & spell check before I post.

I'd love to find out which post was used and what was said, I hope it was all good and I wasn't ripped to shred's!

I have been told by Gavin that my blog is very readable. So maybe there's a Belle de Jour type book deal waiting for me and my boring london life . . .

you think you got away with it

I saw you.

I was watching.

You thought you were alone.

You thought no one would ever know.

I do.

I saw you.

Now I'm telling the world.

From the window of the Taxi I saw what happened.

You walked into a lamppost, apologized to it, took a step to the left and then carried on staggering drunkenly.

It looked like the end of a fun Saturday night.

pope benedict

I think that there were better choices for Pope.

To be more precise, I think that there were candidates who are more in line with my personal views and beliefs and who I believe could have changed things for the better.

But then I'm not a catholic, so who cares what I think.

The Tennessee Guerilla Women nicely sum up the info on the new pope and his ultra conservative views on feminism and homosexuals.

the fern cotton disclaimer

To All the people who come to this blog via searches for pictures of Fern Cotton or sexy photos of Fern Cotton, or Fern Cotton porn. I appologise.

There are NO pictures of Fern on this site. I mentioned her once briefly in a post about the Chronicles of Riddick Premier and again in a summary of searches that brought up my page.

However being the kind soul that I am I have found the following Fern cotton picture links for you. However please note that these are wholesome child freindly pictures of Fern being her annoyiongly happy kids tv prersenter self.

I doubt there is any Fern cotton porn out there becouse she's just to nice to have posed for any.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/media/images/40576000/jpg/_40576071_totp_203.jpg

http://news.bbc.co.uk/olmedia/1945000/images/_1948777_fern1.jpg

gas works

I got home from work yesterday to find a big hole had been dug in the pavement outside my house.

I can't really complin as we got a generic letter through the door a month ago informing us that there will be some gas works going on which they hope won't cause us too much inconvenience.

But, those considerate souls have left a whole half meter gangway between the HUGE hole they have just dug and the HUGE pile of soil, rubble and what looks like tar which they dumped outside our house last week.

who gets horrendously drunk on 2 galsses of wine?

Me that's who.

I haven't felt that ill since the Cider & black incident at university. But the less said about that the better. . .

It was really weird. I drink a lot of wine so I don't know why I it hit me so bad. Ok, they were large glasses, but that doesn't explain why I had such a terrible reaction.

We started off in the Buck where I consumed the 2 infamous glasses of house white. I had to drink the last one quite quickly as we were moving on to the Seels and as soon as we got outside, BLAM, it hit me.

I was happily pissed and talking rubbish on the walk up to the pub and while we ordered the 1st round of drinks at the bar (I switched to lemonade at this point as I realised that I was extreemly drunk). But by the time we found somewhere to sit and ordered some food, I had crashed.

I suddenly felt sick, and I mean really ill. The smile faded, the chatter stopped and I could do nothing except sit and stare into space willing myself not to throw up all over the table. By the time my food arrived I felt so rotten I had to leave.

It was a truely crap end to what was shaping up to be a great night. And Gavin now owes me lunch as I have been reliably informed that he ate my Pad Thai.

which pub ?

This week the debate over which pub to go to after work on Friday began early. In fact it took place on Wednesday . . .

From: Jo
To: Pub goers

Friday, Pub, Plans????

Despite my over keeness for pub details, i believe the winner for keeness goes to Dave who sent out an e-mail a record 3hours into our working week!!!!!

>>

From: Sarah
To: Pub Goers
well, I fancy The Buck for a bit of a change..anyone up for it (no not you Tom, we don't want to get thrown out because your reputation preceeds you!)
>>

From: OHT
To: Pub Goers
Well done Dave...........Buck sounds good.

>>

From: Jo
To: Pub Goers
Does anyone fancy going to Seels after T'buck?
I've never been and heard lots about it. Maybe? Possibly? Lets play it by ear!

>>

From: Tony
To: Pub Goers

The only problem wi' t'buck is it t'sucks.

Seel's is, how can I compare this, oh: if t'Buck is a slimy, dirty, primeval single-cell amoeba, circa 45 Billion BC, then Seel's is Sarah Michelle Gellar after an invigorating shower, circa tomorrow...

>>

From: Tony
To: Pub Goers

Not that my opinion should sway anybody.....

>>

From: Jo
To: Pub Goers

Emotional words from Tony there!

Good to hear Seels is good, can we go? can we can we can we can we!
So starting at the buck - sorry Tony! Lets start there then people can decide as its on the way, then head up to Seels?

Plan - Jan?

>>

Where will we go ? Will Mr Tom get spectaularly pissed again? will I.T get hammerd and spill more on the secret plan to restrict access to hotmail ? Will HR spill the beans on the new staff members? Will Earth girl actualy buy a round of drinks ? who knows ?
Tune in on Monday for the lowdown on the Friday after-work drinks. . .

Dutch Truckers

Since you like him so much here's a tale from Mr Tom.

'I once reversed into a Lorry, a big articulated lorry that was right behind me. You'd have thought I'd have seen a big articulated lorry sitting right behind me, but I didn't.

Anyway, after I reversed into this lorry I thought I was gonna get beaten up by the big lorry driver who jumped out of the cab. I didn't. He was Dutch.

He said "It's ok, I'm not angry. I'm a little bit pissed off becouse I was watching the F1 racing in my cab and now I have missed the start. But it doesn't matter. I will take your details and my insurance company might call you, but then they might not."

Dutch Lorry drivers are cool.'

Mr Toms friday night

Mr Tom is a rather cynical and sarcastic type of guy, which is why it's so surprising that he is such an amazingly happy drunk, and when I say happy, I mean REALLY HAPPY. In fact he was so happy, that it nearly sparked a fight.

Mr Tom was happily staring into space giggling to himself when a bloke at a nearby table took exception and tried to kick off. Luckliy Tom was so pissed it passed over his head and Carl was able to step in and resolve the situation with a quiet word along the lines of 'don't hit him he's pissed'.

An hour later we managed to get Tom all the way to the tube station and down onto the platform without too much trouble. But, unfortunatly this led to us being rather complacent about Toms willingness to behave on the rest of the journey.

It was then that we learnt 'you should never underestimate the determination of a drunk'. When we relaised how drunk Tom was we decided that it was best if he stayed over at Carls. Tom was insistant that he go home but we were more sober and there were two of us so we assumed we won the argument. We were wrong.

When we arrived on the platform there was a train waiting. It wasn't the one we needed to get Carl and Tom to South London so carl and I both looked up at the arivals board to see when the next train was due. It never occured to us that Tom would leap on to the train a second before the doors closed. As the train pulled out of the station he waved goodbye with a drunken grin.

the tale of the burnt tongue

Yes, I burnt my tongue again. But this time is was on some crappy Vietnamese food instead of a mug of hot chocolate.

I've gone off hot chocolate; maybe it's the advent of spring that has dulled my obsession.... But that's completely off-topic.

Today’s topic revolves around the plate of crappy chicken in ginger with water chestnuts and boiled rice, which I had for dinner last night. It was served at a temperature hot enough to scald a huge patch of my tongue.

The night started out well, we had a few drinks in a bar, where we could have had a really nice meal, if it wasn't for the picky vegetarians and their complaints that they didn't like the veggie options. (That’s what you get for having deviant dietary requirements- you wingers)

So we headed out to find somewhere with more Veggie choice and ended up at a tiny Vietnamese restaurant down the road. I was quite excited, as I've never had Vietnamese food before. I needn't have been, it was awful.

In fact the meal I was served was the kind of slop you get out of a packet at the supermarket i.e. a load of ‘oriental’ veg and some dubious meat coved in slime.

I was so disappointed I had to drown my sorrows with 2 pints of larger.

Now that the inital excitement is over...

...I'm a bit stuck on blog topics. None of my stock pile of posts seems quite right and there has been no progress to update you with. I guess I'll just pick something at random.

Here goes:
My cousin is in the process of applying to universities. After a reccent visit to check out Bristol University he sent me this:
'The wierdest thing was that in Bristol people actually stand at the bus stops in queue's! No pushing or cramming on to the bus! how freaky, all the passengeners thank the bus driver afterwards!'

This is not something that happens in London. Ever.

London has become a sprawling free for all when it comes to bus ques. People loiter around the bus stop like a cloud. The concept of forming an actual que being totaly alien to them.

Getting on a London bus during rush our necesetates a survival of the fittest attitude, and those who can't hack it better by a pair of walking shoes.

congratulations

Ever since my news became public people have been congratulating me. Litteraly congratualting me for quitting. They'll miss me but they are happy for me that I finaly did it - as opposed to just being happy that I'm leaving!

It's a really nice feeling to know that people care about me and want me to be happy.

I have decided that I'm going to spend the summer as a Camp councillor in the US or Canada. I'm hoping that the drastic change in environment (not to mention all that fresh air and exercise) will help me get my head together and finally decide what I want to do with my life.

I'll let you read part of the email my friend sent me after I told her my news it sums things up nicely.

'who knows it could be the best thing you've ever done, or the worst I suppose, either way it'll change your life COMPLETELY!!! And in the long run for the better!!'

the scariest thing I've had to do in a long time

I just resigned.
fuck!